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Saturday, February 16, 2008

Footprints of a Family, our second adoption journey

Our beautiful baby daughter was now a beautiful toddler. She was 3 years old and we loved her more every day. Being a parent was the most difficult job we had ever done, but the most rewarding. I loved being a Mom...I felt complete...this was my calling. I reveled in the daily monotony of parenthood. I loved the routines, the smiles, the hugs, the kisses, the smells, and the love. I was ready to expand our family. I was ready to give our daughter a sibling.

Unfortunately, my husband was not as ready as I was. He loved being a Dad. Cassie was definitely a Daddy's girl in every way. She melted his heart just by looking at him. A better father you could not find. He did it all - baths, diaper changes, vomit clean up, long walks hand in hand, hugs, tickles, kisses, wrestling - a definite hands on Daddy. Every day I watched him with our daughter, my love for him grew.

I approached him one day and told him I wanted another baby. I wanted to give our daughter a sibling. I wanted to expand our family, I wanted to share our love with another special angel. He said no, he wasn't ready. I asked him why, he couldn't say. He wouldn't give me a reason. I don't think he knew how to put his feelings into words. Looking back, I could have been more patient with the time I was anything but.

I pestered, I cajoled, I cried, I sulked. I am not proud of my behavior.....but I was on a mission. My heart and soul wanted another baby to hold, to love, to treasure, to teach. I was not going to give up.

We prided ourselves on our marriage. Our marriage was strong, solid, and was made even more so during our struggles with infertility and our previous adoption. We had excellant communication skills and we were master compromisers.

Compromise? How can you compromise in this situation? It is impossible.....either we adopt again, or we raise an only child. Those were our only options....wait a minute...what if a miracle happens and we become pregnant?

This was the question I posed to my husband - "What if I become pregnant miraculously? How would you feel about that?"

"I would be ecstatic," he replied.

It then dawned on me...he did want another child....he did not want to go through the adoption process again.

When you adopt a child you have very little control on the situation. Yes, we did have some control, but not much. The adoptive couple places themselves at the mercy, if you will, of the birthmother. The birthmothers choose them to parent their child, the birthmother carries and nurtures the child throughout a pregnancy, the birthmother gives birth and chooses to place her child in the arms of the adoptive couple. At any time during this process she could change her mind, which is her right. Plans can change in an instant. The highs are very high and the lows are extremely low. We knew this, we lived this.

He did not want to go through this again. Unfortunately, this was our only option. We were at an impasse. We both desired a second child, only one of us was ready for rollercoaster ride we knew we would have to take for our desire to become a reality. We could not compromise on this....we either did or we didn't.

Tears, angry words, nights on the couch, tears, hugs, loving our daughter....which way would we go?

to be continued....


Beccy said...

Queen of the cliffhanger! Looking forward to part II.

ChrisB said...

Now I'm eager to find out how you persuaded him to change his mind!

Chrys said...

Oh, I can tell this is going to be another good one!! I can't wait!!!

Irene Latham said...

My husband was on the fence about baby #3... but like you, I was a woman on a mission. :) He conceded -- he says now no way could he/would he deny me something I obviously wanted so desperately... and in his heart he believed if I wanted it so much, it must be the right thing. I think it is just a lot of pressure for the man... women understand the pleasure will be worth the pain, but men get a little hung up on the pain part. And even though having three has come very close to putting us over the edge sometimes, he adores that child.
Looking forward to the rest of the story... and you are so right about the "jams" in life really being the meat of it all. Can't wait to hear how you are received by Cup of Comfort. Best of luck!! xxoo

Alix said...

As always looking forward to the continuation of your story!

Sandy said...

I am so looking forward to the next installment!

bermudabluez said...

I just love your stories and can't wait to read the next part!! Went over and welcomed your cousin to the blogging world! She will soon be addicted...and I'll have to let you know about my day at the is this coming Friday!

Fiona said...

What a story! Can't wait for part 2!!
Thank you for your lovely comments at "my place" tough times for all concerned but that's what we are trying to do - enjoy the moments. So sorry about missing out on "Thankful Thursday". I had a particularly rotten day and couldn't for the life of me think of anything thankful. Of course, now I know that's rubbish but when you are on a downer.....well I'm afraid it overtook me a bit. Sorry Alison. How is Zack doing?

Aoj & The Lurchers said...

Who can stop a woman on a mission!!?

Looking forwad to the next instalments!

suchsimplepleasures said...

oh yay!! another journey!! i loved the first one and i'm looking forward to the continuing saga!!
hope you're having an awesome weekend!

Heather said...

We obviously know how this ends, but I can't wait to hear about the journey!

Laura McIntyre said...

You are really opening my eyes to adoption, i honestly had no idea the amount of stuff involved in it.
I guess i can understand where your hubby was coming from but i guess we all know things ended in a wonderful way.
I honestly cannot wait to read the journey though

Jennifer said...

You are very good at building suck!!

Jettie said...

Humm I have friends who have adopted...been at the hospital when the Mom changed her mind..a heart break all around. My husband would never have ever agreed to adopt if we couldn't have our own..never the heartbreak he said I could ended up with would be to much. I can't wait to read more!!

lisa marie said...

Oh yeah, I can see both sides here. When you said you weren't proud of how you acted, I did that when I wanted my third. My husband finally said if I could find a cheap way to birth the babe I could have another. I found a midwife and $800 later we had Khris. He was my cheapest baby.

Jo Beaufoix said...

Wow, I get it though. I suppose he loved Cassie so much that the idea of loving a new baby while there is a chance of losing him/her must have been terrifying.

Andrya said...

ooh! OOH! I know! I know! Pick ME!!! I know which way you went!!! You both just had TOO much love inside you for just one child. And where would this family be without Michael? I love you, can't wait to start my own vicarious rollercoaster!