Our beautiful baby daughter was now a beautiful toddler. She was 3 years old and we loved her more every day. Being a parent was the most difficult job we had ever done, but the most rewarding. I loved being a Mom...I felt complete...this was my calling. I reveled in the daily monotony of parenthood. I loved the routines, the smiles, the hugs, the kisses, the smells, and the love. I was ready to expand our family. I was ready to give our daughter a sibling.
Unfortunately, my husband was not as ready as I was. He loved being a Dad. Cassie was definitely a Daddy's girl in every way. She melted his heart just by looking at him. A better father you could not find. He did it all - baths, diaper changes, vomit clean up, long walks hand in hand, hugs, tickles, kisses, wrestling - a definite hands on Daddy. Every day I watched him with our daughter, my love for him grew.
I approached him one day and told him I wanted another baby. I wanted to give our daughter a sibling. I wanted to expand our family, I wanted to share our love with another special angel. He said no, he wasn't ready. I asked him why, he couldn't say. He wouldn't give me a reason. I don't think he knew how to put his feelings into words. Looking back, I could have been more patient with him.....at the time I was anything but.
I pestered, I cajoled, I cried, I sulked. I am not proud of my behavior.....but I was on a mission. My heart and soul wanted another baby to hold, to love, to treasure, to teach. I was not going to give up.
We prided ourselves on our marriage. Our marriage was strong, solid, and was made even more so during our struggles with infertility and our previous adoption. We had excellant communication skills and we were master compromisers.
Compromise? How can you compromise in this situation? It is impossible.....either we adopt again, or we raise an only child. Those were our only options....wait a minute...what if a miracle happens and we become pregnant?
This was the question I posed to my husband - "What if I become pregnant miraculously? How would you feel about that?"
"I would be ecstatic," he replied.
It then dawned on me...he did want another child....he did not want to go through the adoption process again.
When you adopt a child you have very little control on the situation. Yes, we did have some control, but not much. The adoptive couple places themselves at the mercy, if you will, of the birthmother. The birthmothers choose them to parent their child, the birthmother carries and nurtures the child throughout a pregnancy, the birthmother gives birth and chooses to place her child in the arms of the adoptive couple. At any time during this process she could change her mind, which is her right. Plans can change in an instant. The highs are very high and the lows are extremely low. We knew this, we lived this.
He did not want to go through this again. Unfortunately, this was our only option. We were at an impasse. We both desired a second child, only one of us was ready for rollercoaster ride we knew we would have to take for our desire to become a reality. We could not compromise on this....we either did or we didn't.
Tears, angry words, nights on the couch, tears, hugs, loving our daughter....which way would we go?
to be continued....