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Thursday, January 10, 2008

Our adoption journey, Part 2

To read Part 1 visit here.

It was a perfect summer day in August. I was just finishing up a patient when I received a phone call. It was from our doctor and it wasn't good. Apparently the tests we recently had done revealed bad news. We were no longer IVF (Invitro Fertilization) candidates. I have no recollection of his exact words or if I even replied to him. All I remember is the cloud that came over me. No longer was the sun shining, no longer was it a perfect summer day...it was dark and I was devastated. The tears were pouring down my face. My dream was shattered.

I was unable to continue to work. Luckily I was working in a very sympathetic office. They cancelled my patients for the day and I went home. I called my husband and through my tears and sobs told him the news. He wanted to come home but I told him not to. I wanted to take the dogs for a walk to clear my head.

The day was still sunny, but I didn't notice. My mind was in a fog. Walking on the streets was not an option for me. I wanted to be away from people. I was angry at this point, I was furious. My anger was directed at God. How could He do this to us? We were good people. We were going to be good parents. We were responsible. Why? Why? Why?

In my irrational mind, through my fog of disappointment and anger and frustration, I decided to take the fire trail up into the hills. Somewhere in the back of my mind I concluded that the higher I was, the closer I would be to God, and the easier it would be to tell Him how I felt. Up we climbed, to the top of the hill. There was no one in sight, just me and the dogs, and God.

"How could you? Why are you punishing us? What are we doing wrong? Why are you so vengeful? Don't you love us? And You call Yourself our Friend? Some Friend You are...."

And so on, and so on....screaming, crying....until the fight was gone. I was exhausted...my eyes were dry, my throat was hoarse. I gave in, I gave up. A peace overcame me and a voice in my head said...."There is another way. Your journey is not over yet."

I looked up...and realized that I was lost, emotionally and physically. I did not know where I was, how I got there, or how to get home! I also did not know the course of journey....which way to go?

to be continued....

6 comments:

ChrisB said...

I really felt for you when I read this~ I probably can't even begin to imaging how you felt being given such devastating news.

Chrys said...

I have felt your despair and have walked that road of no mans land. I have not experience infertility but I found myself begging, questioning why, why me? why us. My son was born at 26.5 wks. I wasn't even into my 3rd trimester. It was a fight to keep him alive every day for 2yrs after he was born. We lost him 3 times and it was at the moment when I finally gave up fighting and struggling and said, "take him" I can't do this anymore. Did he answer my deepest desires and the phone rang not with devastating news but that our son had taken the turn for the better and we would not have to induce coma, from that moment on he only grew stronger. Sometimes, we have to weather the storm to get to the rainbow.

suchsimplepleasures said...

again with the cliffhanger...woman! wow! i don't know how it would feel to be told that!! i'm so thankful that i didn't have any problems getting pregnant. i mean, truly thankful!!! because, i have friends who went through hell and back to have a baby...it was horrible!
ok, looking forward to hearing more about this journey...which is very riveting, might i add!
xoxo

Cynthia said...

Oh my stinkin' heck!!

What a story!!!

I am so glad you are sharing it!

Beccy said...

I'm on the edge of my seat dying for the next installment. I too can't imagine how I would react to news like that but I totally understand your anger.

Andrya said...

Oh man this is going to be ehxausting! I'm so emotionally torn. Part of me is ripping apart wanting you to have the opportunity to carry a child. But I know the end. And Cassie needs you. She was meant for you, but she was lost. She took a wrong turn somewhere up there and just needed you to find her. Oh MAN I love you guys!!!