To read Part 1 visit here.
It was a perfect summer day in August. I was just finishing up a patient when I received a phone call. It was from our doctor and it wasn't good. Apparently the tests we recently had done revealed bad news. We were no longer IVF (Invitro Fertilization) candidates. I have no recollection of his exact words or if I even replied to him. All I remember is the cloud that came over me. No longer was the sun shining, no longer was it a perfect summer day...it was dark and I was devastated. The tears were pouring down my face. My dream was shattered.
I was unable to continue to work. Luckily I was working in a very sympathetic office. They cancelled my patients for the day and I went home. I called my husband and through my tears and sobs told him the news. He wanted to come home but I told him not to. I wanted to take the dogs for a walk to clear my head.The day was still sunny, but I didn't notice. My mind was in a fog. Walking on the streets was not an option for me. I wanted to be away from people. I was angry at this point, I was furious. My anger was directed at God. How could He do this to us? We were good people. We were going to be good parents. We were responsible. Why? Why? Why?
In my irrational mind, through my fog of disappointment and anger and frustration, I decided to take the fire trail up into the hills. Somewhere in the back of my mind I concluded that the higher I was, the closer I would be to God, and the easier it would be to tell Him how I felt. Up we climbed, to the top of the hill. There was no one in sight, just me and the dogs, and God.
"How could you? Why are you punishing us? What are we doing wrong? Why are you so vengeful? Don't you love us? And You call Yourself our Friend? Some Friend You are...."
And so on, and so on....screaming, crying....until the fight was gone. I was exhausted...my eyes were dry, my throat was hoarse. I gave in, I gave up. A peace overcame me and a voice in my head said...."There is another way. Your journey is not over yet."
I looked up...and realized that I was lost, emotionally and physically. I did not know where I was, how I got there, or how to get home! I also did not know the course of journey....which way to go?
to be continued....