Saying that I actually slept on the couch that night is a euphenism. What I actually did was think, cry, pray....I was a tortured soul that night. I knew with all my heart and soul that our family was not complete. I loved my little girl immensely and I longed for another child to love, another life to mold. I felt intense anger towards my husband, the distance I felt from him was palpable. We may have been in the same house, but we were miles apart.
The next morning my husband woke and went to work. Not a word was shared between us, neither a look nor a touch. It was very painful. My heart was breaking. Was this worth it? Was an unknown child worth the health and happiness of our marriage, our known child, and our family? I lay in our bed that morning after Dave went to work and did some soul searching.
Soon our daughter woke up and my day began. I was still a Mom to this wonderful little angel. I looked in her eyes that morning and knew the answers to my questions.....No....it was not worth it. Our little angel deserved a happy home, she deserved to live with two parents who adored her and each other. She deserved a complete family where love and laughter abounded. That complete family would be only three people and I was okay with that.
Mid morning our phone rang. It was my husband. I was thrilled to hear his voice and excited to tell him about my revelation. He asked me to please listen to him first.
"I am sorry", he said. "Before I went to work this morning I went to give Cassie a kiss goodbye. I stared at her for a moment and I realized how selfish I was being. I was letting my fear stand in the way of our family. I hate the adoption process, but we don't have a choice. Cassie deserves to have a sibling. I am willing to go through the process again and have our family grow."
Tears streamed down my face as I replied to him.
"I am sorry too. I have been very preoccupied with my wants and longings and have not been overly sensitive to yours. I too looked at our daughter this morning, and my wish for her is to grow up in a happy home. I wish this more than I long for another child. I will be happy as a family of three, I will be content."
At this time we both are weepy. We conquered our impasse, we came to a compromise. We met in the middle by understanding each other's needs. Our marriage grew stronger that day.
We talked about the situation. It is funny how once we understood each other's viewpoint and stance, we changed our own. In that understanding we were able to come to a decision together that we both agreed on. Without any cajoling, prodding, angry words, or sad tears....we both decided to adopt another child. We decided to open our hearts to another angel to love. We decided to give our precious daughter a sibling. We were a united front moving in unison towards one goal....creating a family of four.
We called our adoption agency and the rollercoaster ride began.....little did we know what we were in for....