Difficult Times

Today I have an emotional hang over. You know the feeling? I am drained, tired, anxious, and have zero energy. Yesterday, yesterday....how should I begin? It all started 14 years ago when we came up with the brilliant idea to adopt a baby!! No one told us that parenting would be so fucking hard! Why doesn't anyone warn you?


I have blogged about the difficulty with Michael the past few months in regards to his homework and such. Happily, I can say....it is much easier now. We found a solution that is working without too much tear, drama, and yelling. Thank.God.


Cassie...my sweet little girl Cassie. She is struggling right now and it is breaking my heart. She had an issue last month that was heartbreaking and very difficult, as a parent, to go through...but we did. As usual, with hard situations, we came out the other side stronger and learned some valuable lessons. I was just coming off this emotional roller coaster and thought (big mistake) that I was going to coast for awhile.


Yesterday, my phone rang at lunch...it was the school. It was her Spanish teacher asking me if I had seen/signed the test she sent home on Tuesday. I honestly could not remember (I sign so many papers from this nice Catholic school on a daily basis) and asked her what the grade was. 59%, she tells me and she said it is signed, but she did not recognize the signature. Do you see where this is going? Yes, you guessed right. I was hoping for the outcome that I really did sign it, but just didn't remember....nope, no chance.


Cassie's version - she forged it because she forgot to have me sign it and she did not want to get a deficiency and the reason she got caught is because it was the first time she had done it and she wasn't very good at it. At least she didn't add the word "yet" to the end of her tirade....little things to be grateful for!!


This rocked me to the core. It is not the fact that she failed the test, it is the dishonesty. I don't like the dishonesty. It scares me to see this in my child. I feel that I have failed somehow. There is something that I am not doing that I should be doing, or I have done something that I should not have done.


I was able to get down to the nitty gritty with her. I knew there was more to the story than this superficial stuff. Sure enough...more bullshit from her "oh so catholic" bitch classmates. Can you tell I am done with them. I swear this school just breed viciousness in its girls. I can do nothing about it either. Cassie does not fit into their mold (thank God!!) and she tries to, oh how she tries to, but unfortunately, it only makes the situation worse. The school is too damn small to escape the narrow mindedness....hence...she is singled out and teased mercilessly. One more month of this crap...just one more month.


I know that Cassie plays a vital role in all this drama and I am trying to teach her this. She comes home from school internally raging from her hurt and frustration and Michael gets the brunt of her unleashing. I told her that these girls are carrying around a bunch of shit that they don't know what to do with so they dump it on her and willingly carries it around until she comes home and it gets too heavy for her so she dumps it on Michael. I told her there was too much shit flying around and it was getting very stinky. How do you teach a 13/14 year old girl to not pick it up?


I wish she had more self confidence/esteem to ignore the comments/looks/whispers from her classmates. My heart breaks for her....it is horrible. I also know that she needs to learn how to do this or the pattern will just repeat itself in high school with a different group of kids. I told her this, I hope it helps her.


Last night as I was mired in this muck, ready to cry at the drop of hat, our doorbell rang. It was our next door neighbor with 2 tickets to the San Francisco Giants vs. Oakland A's game in the City. I did not want to go. I wanted to crawl in bed and cry. We went and I did cry, in the car, until we reached the Bay Bridge. Seeing the beautiful City and the bay calmed me. We had a good time, did not stay out too late, but it was just enough to get away, as adults. I truly believe God guided our neighbor to our house....Dave and I truly needed the little get away.


I am still a down today. I don't know what Cassie's punishment at school is going to be. I don't know how she will deal with the drama from her classmates. She has only 1 more month at this school....1 more month....I hope she makes it.


If you are still reading this...thanks...I needed the vent. I feel lighter.

The Next Journey

Yesterday I registered my daughter for high school. I then came home and began to have a nervous breakdown, just a mini one.


I know she will be fine. I am looking forward to her starting this new chapter in her life. I am excited for her.


I am scared to death. I worry about her. I want to protect her. I don't want her to get hurt.


She has been at the same small private school for 9 years. She will be going to the local public high school where she will have 400 (more or less) children in her freshman class. She has been with the same 35 children for the past 9 years. This will be a huge change.


Intellectually I know she will be fine. I know that it will be a HUGE adjustment for her, but once she survives the first few months, she will be fine. She has a good head on her shoulders, has strong morals, likes herself, and respects herself.


Emotionally, as a mom, I want to protect her from all the mean people in the world. I don't want her to ever get her feelings hurt. I don't want her to get her heart broken. I want to put her in a plastic bubble and keep her innocence intact.


Realistically I know this is not possible. I know that she needs to hurt, in order to grow. She needs to experience life in order to live. Her hurts and broken hearts will help create the woman she is becoming. I know this, but I still don't like it.


She, on the other hand, is very excited about this new venture. Nervous? Yes, she will admit to that, but her excitement overrides her nervousness.


"I can't wait to meet new people and make a fresh start." This is what she told us at the dinner table tonight. The past 9 years has not been easy for her. She is ready for a new start and we are ready to watch her bloom and flourish, hurts and all.

One Mountain at a Time

As I sit here listening to rain gently falling outside I find myself reflecting on the past month and the struggles and triumphs I have experienced. As I come down the other side of the mountain I remember the struggle going up the other side. Parenting. It is a journey of climbing mountains and coasting down the opposite side. I am almost afraid to say out loud that I have reached the summit and am teetering on the cusp of the mountain. I am afraid to jinx myself.


Michael. My sweet little son. My angel boy. The source of my struggle this past month. Every night became a battle over homework. He would become distraught, cry, whine, dig his heels in and refuse to do his homework. I would become distraught, yell, pull my hair out, and say things I am not proud of. I was at my wits end and tired of the nightly battle. One night I almost didn't come home from work, I could not fathom another night of the same. Night after night, nothing changed.


I prayed about it.


An answer came to me. Every time he started to have a meltdown, he was told to take a seat on the carpet and I put the timer on for 9 minutes (he is 9 years old). Every time he cried, whined, yelled, broke down - the timer was reset for 9 minutes. Sometimes he sat there for 30 minutes. I did not yell or scream. He would finally calm down, the timer would go off, and he would get up and complete his work.


This worked....for awhile. Unfortunately I would find myself putting the timer on over and over again in the evenings. I was at a loss again. Inspiration came to me yet again.


At the beginning of each week a list was started. Whenever we needed to discipline Michael we wrote it on the list. Whenever he did a kind act, was responsible, etc. he would cross an item off the list and write down the positive act. At the end of the week, if there were any items not crossed off, he lost privileges for that weekend (TV, computer time, dessert, etc). He has never lost a privilege and his list is getting shorter and shorter and his good deeds are multiplying.


This has been working for the past few weeks. We have noticed a marked improvement in his attitude and behaviour. I am not a screaming banshee in the evenings. Peace has been restored to our house, for the time being.


Boundaries, consequences, praise, rewards, patience, love and kindness, respect. Climbing the mountain is hard work. At times I can not see the summit and I despair of falling down. Perseverance fuels my ascension, add to that the love and commitment required to be a parent and I reach the summit. As I coast down this mountain I look ahead and see another mountain on the horizon. I can't tell how far away this mountain is, or how difficult it will be to conquer. Conquer it I will though. I will bring with me my perseverance, my love, my commitment, my patience, and my faith.


Parenting...one mountain at a time.

Just the Other Day

Just the other day I took this picture of my daughter. It was on her First Communion Day. She looked like a little angel, so sweet and beautiful.



A few days after the above picture I took this picture of her. My sweet little angel girl, so precious and kind. She was always willing to help, never uttered an unkind word. She was so innocent and young.



Today I took this picture of her. How did this happen? Yesterday she was the girl in the previous pictures. How can she change so much overnight? She is still young and beautiful.

She is still kind and sweet and innocent.

The only difference now is that she has added a few new features to her personality. Coincidentally these features were added when she started adding new features to her physical presence.

The eye rolls, the groans, the tears, the drama....I don't think I signed up for this portion. What happened to the little girl of yesterday? At times I still glimpse her and I am sure she is still there somewhere. Hopefully she will return someday, a more mature version of her.

I do need to count my blessings though. Cassie is very innocent and sweet. She is still very helpful and she has a kind soul. She will go far in life, we just need to get through the next four years.

She is graduating 8th grade this year and will enter high school in the fall. Today we took graduation portraits and I snapped these pictures before we went to the studio. Her beauty brings tears to my eyes, both her inner and outer beauty.


Just the other day we were bringing her home from the hospital....what a journey it has been.

The Perfect Valentine

Nine years ago at exactly 7:11 am we were given The Perfect Valentine. A seven pound, eleven ounce bundle of joy emerged from his warm cocoon into the arms of the beautiful woman who carried and nourished him for nine months. This selfless woman looked at him with love in her eyes and welcomed him into this world. She then looked at me with love in her eyes and said the following words as she placed him in my arms - "Here is your son".


Those four words said with love and sadness, hope and joy were music to my ears. That little bundle has grown into the handsome boy you see in the above picture. He makes us laugh, he pushes my every button, he has angered me beyond belief, he fills my heart to bursting with love. He gives the best hugs and will still fold himself into my lap for snuggles. His sweet little boy smell is more appealing to me than expensive perfumes. He is stubborn, strong willed, intelligent, funny, sweet, kind, lovable, meticulous, and handsome. His brilliant blue eyes have a sparkle in them that will light up a room.


He is my son, my Perfect Valentine. I am eternally grateful to Laura, his birth mother. Her selfless act, done with love and heaviness in her heart, fulfilled my dream of being a mother for the second time. I can never repay her, but I can raise him, our son, to the best of my ability. My hope for him is to grow up to be a responsible, kind, loving adult. That was her wish for him, that is how we will repay her.


Happy Birthday my Perfect Valentine.....Thank you Laura.

Life

Today I took Cassie to her yearly cardiologist appointment. She was diagnosed with a right bundle branch block 18 months ago. Fortunately, her EKG has not changed in the past 18 months so no treatment is necessary. We just need to monitor it closely, make note of any clinical/physical changes, and have regular visits with her cardiologist.





Her cardiologist's office is about an hour from our home. Ironically, it is located at the hospital she was born. Consequently her birthmother lives very near the office and we usually meet with her for a visit. Unfortunately, her birthmother was sick today so we had to postpone our get together. Cassie was disappointed, but we will schedule a visit soon. Cassie has a baby sister who will be 1 this month, she was looking forward to seeing her again.





I always find myself reminiscing when we venture down to this area. I vividly remember the day she was born. I watched my daughter today having her tests done and I became overwhelmed with emotions. I felt intense gratitude that she is healthy. Her condition does not affect her quality of life, this is a blessing.





I also thought about the miracle our bodies are, and how fragile they can become. Our bodies are a finely tuned machine and one misfired neuron can affect the entire operation. It is a wonder and a miracle. I was reminded to cherish my body, not to harm it.





My mind wandered down other avenues also. I saw my daughter as a life that was created by two people that were strangers to me. One has become a part of our family, one is still a stranger. Cassie does not physically resemble her birthmother, she may or may not resemble her birthfather. We have never met him. Irregardless, she is our daughter, given to us in love by a woman/child who was too young to become a mother. But she did become a mother in birth. She chose life for her baby. What would have happened if she hadn't made that choice? Cassie would not be here, where would my life be?





The moment that baby girl was placed in my arms my life changed. Everything changed. I love being a mom and my world revolves around my children and my home. All the choices and decisions I make are made with my family in mind. I have become a better person because I am a Mom. I am more empathetic, patient, kind, loving, compassionate, and open minded because I am a Mom. Where would my life be without Cassie? I have no idea, but I am awfully glad I don't know or need to find out. I am glad life was chosen and we were chosen to parent this angel child.





Today was a day of reflections. Another reminder of how grateful I am to have the name Mom. How grateful I am to have 2 beautiful and healthy children. How grateful I am to appreciate this gift and cherish it. How grateful I am that 2 beautiful women chose life and chose us to parent their angels.





Just for the record I believe that all women need to able to make this choice for themselves, the government should not make it for them.

Don't forget to enter my Give Away.

Life Changes

There comes a time in every parent's life when a corner is taken and change comes. The child you whose diaper you changed just the other day enters puberty and overnight you become dumber than dirt.





I find it completely amazing that I am 42 years old, a college graduate, a successful adult.....yet I can be dumber than dirt.





I remember when my daughter was a toddler. She was very independent. I found it very difficult to deal with her level of independence. On the one hand, she obviously needed help most of the time, but on the other hand, I didn't want to crush her spirit. I knew these traits would make her a strong person and a wonderful adult. I walked a fine line trying to balance everything.





Little did I know that we would be doing the same balancing act in the teen years. My daughter is very independent and she has wonderful qualities and traits that will help her become a strong woman. But sometimes....a little help from someone is wise to accept. Again, we are walking the tightrope between independence and dependence.





Fortunately, our trying times are few and far between. We have not fully entered the teen angst years yet. I am not dumber than dirt all the time. My advice and help is occasionally solicited. I am not the ultimate enemy at all times, thankfully.





I hope that day never comes, but I need to prepare myself in case it does. At this moment in time she still listens to me and does not fight me on everything. She does like to have the last word and she will walk off in a huff. I smile to myself during these times. I remember that these traits will make her a strong, independent woman.....after all....isn't that our goal as Mothers?





I remember my teenage years vividly. I was nothing like my daughter. I was the epitome of teenage angst and I paid dearly for those years, as did my parents. I hope Cassie never reaches the levels I did, but if she does, I hope she finds a trusted adult to talk to. Whether that adult is her parents, aunt, godmother, friend....it does not matter, as long as they love her and have her best interest at heart.





Now, for my son.....he is only 8 but we are already seeing changes and so far we like what we are seeing also!!!





Change is in the air and sometimes change is a good thing.

Personality vs. Looks

Conversation that happened in the car yesterday:



Cassie: We have a new kid in our class this year. He is a boy. I saw his name when I was at school last week for the student council meeting. Anna* (not her real name) said that she hopes he is cute.


Michael: Doesn't she know that personality is more important than looks?


I was speechless.....Michael is only 8 years old.



It is times like this that I think we are doing a pretty good job at parenting these children. It is times like this that make up for all the times I think we aren't.

Milestones

Today was a milestone in my daughter's life. Her godmother picked her up for a little female bonding time. She took her to her house and showed her how to care for her skin and how to apply makeup. She had all the necessary supplies. Her and I have been friends since we were 10 years old and I remember her using Oil of Olay when we were kids....I had to laugh when I saw Cassie pull Oil of Olay out of her bag!!


Cassie had a wonderful time. She was gone for about an hour or so. She left our house a 13 year old and came home a 16 year old in a 13 year old body.

She walked in the house carrying herself differently. Her shoulders were back, a spring was in her step. She was gorgeous and her eyes were sparkling. She looked older, and acted older.

We had a glimpse into the future tonight. Her father was speechless when he first saw her. I don't think he is quite ready for this yet. We told her she was beautiful, and she is. With or without makeup, she is beautiful from the inside to the outside.


"It takes a village to raise a child". This has always been one of my favorite quotes, it is so true. I feel very blessed to have a village help us raise our children. Cassie is a very fortunate girl and we are very fortunate parents. I don't think Cass will forget this day, I am sure I won't.


Thanks Nina....


I will leave you with another poem of Cassie's


I Love To Sing

I love to sing,
It makes my heart ring.
Like the bells in a church,
Like a bird on a perch.
Any type of song,
I can sing all day long.
I love to sing,
It makes my heart ring.

Healing Words

In my previous post I shared a poem that my daughter wrote. I was unaware that she had a penchant for writing, or that she was so talented. Apparently she has been writing for about a year and just recently shared her poetry with me, and I immediately encouraged her to share them with her father. We were both very impressed. Realistically, I should not have been surprised. She is a very passionate child and she is very intuitive. She has always been able to share her feelings and emotions and she is very aware of her environment. I have always encouraged her to write, especially when she was knee deep in her pre-teen angst.


"Writing will release your emotions", I have told her. "It is very cleansing, you will feel better."


Apparently she was actually listening to me! Whenever she was overcome with emotion and couldn't speak coherently I would hug her and say "write, get it out". She did, unbeknownst to me. She showed me an anthology of poems she has written over the past year, she gave me a reading last month of all her poems. I sat there in awe at her raw talent, her raw emotions in black in white. I cried...and I couldn't help but wonder at her level of maturity. When I was her age I was incapable of this level of intuitiveness. She is only 13, but her soul is so much older.


Some of her poems are fun and light....some are heart wrenching. This past year was a very difficult year for her. She struggled immensely at school socially. She attends a small private school and she is just not like most of the girls in her class. She is not driven by popularity, she is not obsessed with fashion and clothes, she is not passionate about fitting into the mold. She speaks her mind, she is passionate about the environment, she is service minded and loves to help people, she is kind and accepting and has an open mind. I love the way she is, I would not want her to be any other way. I understand how the "system" works with girls though..and my heart broke last year seeing her in so much pain. I wanted her to fit in, but then again I didn't. I wanted her to be accepted, but I didn't want her to devalue herself. It hurt, she hurt....but somewhere along the way a change began.


Cassie began to hold her head up again. Her confidence level grew. Her self esteem was elevated a few notches. Her teachers noticed a change and commented to me the positive changes they saw in the classroom. What precipitated this change? I was not sure at the time - could it be karate? could it be our long talks? our encouragement to her to be true to herself? our desire and suggestion to pull out of the school and home school her 8th grade year? her decision to stay for 8th grade? I didn't know, but I suspected it was a combination of all the above reasons.


I have a different opinion now. While I do think all the above reasons played a pertinent role in her metamorphosis, I now know another reason that I feel played a major role in her change. Her writing. Her poetry. Her feelings and emotions flowing onto the page, flowing out of her soul, her heart becoming music and magic on a blank canvas. The words she could not find, could not orate....the words she found through her fingers, through her pen. Healing words.


Me
Cassie
Kind,
Loving,
Fun,
Wishes to swim with dolphins,
Dreams of becoming a marine mammal biologist,
Wants to make a difference in the world.
Who wonders what it is like in space.
Who fears death.
Who is afraid of war.
Who likes to have a great time.
Who believes in heaven and hell.
Who loves pizza and ice cream.
Who loves karate.
Who loves her family.
Who loves to help people in need.

reprinted with permission from author


I hope she continues to write...she has some tumultuous years ahead of her.

A Moment in Time, Never to be Forgotten

Today was a day that I will never forget. It was an ordinary day with an extraordinary experience. An experience that gave me a spring in my step and I held my head up a bit higher today.

It started out like any other summer weekday. I took Cassie and her friend to their summer theater camp and Michael and I did a few errands. We went to his eye doctor appointment. He has a new prescription which was not a surprise, every year his prescription changes. He is also growing out of his jeans quite regularly. Just last month all his jeans fit him and now they are 3 inches too short. It is really too bad that capris are not fashionable for boys since the pants still fit perfectly in the waist. Our next stop was the purchase of 2 pairs of jeans. Hopefully they will last until Halloween.

We had some time to kill before picking up the girls at noon so we went to the local bakery for a snack.....yum!!! After getting the girls, who were STARVING....I just love this teen drama. They are never just hungry...they are about.to.die.starving.give.me.some.food.now hungry. Wisely I chose lunch for our next stop. I didn't want the deaths of 2 - 13 year old girls on my conscious.

After lunch we went to one of my favorite stores - a home store - in order to get a gift. Since I had gift cards...I love gift cards...I decided to purchase new throw pillows for our couches. Our pillows had been eaten by the brown hairy four legged creature that shares our home with us. Since we are having a huge party/wedding reception/family reunion at our house in 10 days, I am trying to spruce the place up a bit.

Like I said earlier....just an ordinary day....here is where the extraordinary aspect occurs....

I was choosing throw pillows...picking out colors, fabrics, patterns, etc. I also wanted to choose a pillow based on function....so I did what I am sure everyone does when choosing a pillow. I hit my son over the head with the pillow. Of course he thought it was hysterical...as did the girls. After I chose which pillows would work best in our house, my daughter's friend casually said to me - "You are an awesome Mom Alison."

"You are an awesome Mom." Wow, I almost cried...what a compliment coming from a 13 year old girl. At an age when they are embarrassed being in public with their parents or any adult, to laugh in a store with an adult who is like another mother to her and give her the utmost compliment.

My daughter heard her say it and she replied, "You are right, she is an awesome Mom."

I think my smile lit up the store. I was so proud. These girls have the confidence in themselves to giggle and have fun with me in the store, and then bestow upon me a compliment that made my spirits soar.

I felt like an awesome Mom today. I will not forget this day....an ordinary day with an extraordinary twist.

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

As a parent, your wish is to keep your children happy and healthy. When they are little you protect them from anything that might harm them, either physically, emotionally, or mentally. This is usually very easy to do since you have complete control over their environment. When they start school it becomes harder to protect them. You still have control over their environment to a certain degree, but their world has been opened up to new situations and populations. In the first few years of school you become adept at skirting possible adverse situations and continue to keep your child safe. As the years fly by your child starts making some of their own decisions and choosing their friends and their world opens up even more. You have two choices now as a parent - you can allow them to make some decisions and have your child "own" their decision and any consequences that may incur, or you can choose to continue to try and control your child's environment and consistently struggle with your child in maintaining this control.





We have chosen to allow our new teenager to make some of her own decisions and to take ownership of said decisions. Of course we are very choosy in which decisions are allowed to be hers and our up most desire is to keep her safe. But, she needs to learn how to make decisions and how to learn from her mistakes.





As most of you know, we are sending our children to a "nice Catholic school" and the children in our daughter's class are not so nice, especially to her. Last year was a terrible year for her, and consequently for us. She really struggled socially with the idiots in her class. You know how every class had a kid that gets picked on? Well, that was our daughter last year. Quite frankly, we don't even like most of the kids in her class anyway and would not want her "hanging" out with them. Most of them are headed for trouble. We were contemplating pulling Cassie out of this school and homeschooling her for next year, her 8th grade year. Cassie decided that she did not want to leave the school she has been at since kindergarten, she wants to graduate next year. Her decision, she is owning it, she is at peace with it.


Cassie is a very sweet and sensitive girl and she is very trusting. She doesn't know how to play the stupid "girl" games, and because of these traits, she is an easy target. One girl in particular is her nemesis. She will call Cass and pretend to be her friend and then stab her in the back the next day. We have told Cassie over and over that she is not a true friend...but because she is such a trusting girl and views the world through rose colored glasses, she falls for this girl's false friendliness every time. Sometimes you just need to learn the hard way....



Before we went camping this girl called Cassie and wanted to "hang out". You no longer "play" together when you are 13, just so you know!! This girl came over and we all went swimming for the afternoon. At one point in the afternoon we were outside by the pool and she was in the house by herself (remember this point). When we were done swimming the kids watched a movie and then we all went out for dinner. After dinner we took this girl home.



The next day Cass and I went to the bank to open her first savings account. She has been babysitting and had $160 to deposit in the bank. That is alot of babysitting money, money she earned. At the bank we were dismayed to find $40 missing from her wallet. We immediately went home and searched her room, to no avail. The money was gone....we suspected the "friend".



Cassie called the friend and asked her if "by chance" the money "fell" into her bag. The girl "checked" and said that the money was not in her bag "or in her pants' pocket" (why would she say that???).



I immediately called her mother and explained the situation to her. She told me she would look into it....I have not heard back from her. It has been 3 weeks. The money is gone...we are sure she took it.



A lesson learned, the hard way. Cassie was very upset, of course. We did not want this girl to come over, but Cassie did. We allowed her to make the decision, unfortunately these are difficult consequences to deal with. Surprisingly enough, this girl called again to "hang out". Wisely Cassie told her no. I think she has learned a valuable lesson, I just wish it was easier. My first thought was to give her the $40, but what would she have learned then? I think the more the lesson hurts, the more learning that is obtained. In the next few years she will have many more decisions to make, some will have dire consequences. She will need to know how to deal with the offer of drugs/alcohol, the decision to have sex with her boyfriend, to get in a car with someone who has been drinking....these are life threatening decisions. I hope we are preparing her for these.....I think we are.



Last week she tested for her yellow belt in karate. During the testing and evaluation she broke a board with her fist. We were very proud of her.



Later that night I said to her - "too bad "friend" didn't see you break that board....I bet she would think twice before she stole from you again" - does that make me a bad person for saying that???? Cassie just gave me a sweet little smile.....no....I didn't really feel like a bad person!!!

Future Fodder for Therapy

Last night my son was putting scotch tape on his nose. I have no idea why, I try not to analyse the workings of the male brain, especially a 7 yr old male brain. So, back to my story...for reasons known only to my son....he was putting scotch tape on his nose when his father walked into the room.

"Don't do that Michael, it will give you brain damage."
"Oh Daddy, my brain is already damaged."

Now I have never said his brain was damaged, all I ever say is that the testosterone in his body somehow affects the brain waves. Some of the synapses don't quite work right, at times.

Do you think he can call me on this when he is older? Do you think he will be telling his therapist this in about 20 years?

One of my goals as a parent is to make sure my kids have plenty of stories to tell their therapists one day. I believe this goal will be achieved, no problem!!

Things that make you go Hmmm...

Doesn't she look sweet and adorable and totally innocent? Yes, I agree with you....now fast forward 2 years.....she is changing faster than I change my mind!

We are back to school this week and our typical morning is harried and hurried as most of them are. Usually about 5 minutes before we have to leave the house my sweet angel and I have the following conversation:

Cass: Mommy, can you do my hair, I can't get it?
Me: Cass, we have to leave now, it looks fine. Let's go!
Cass: (whining) But Mommy, it is bumpy on top and it looks stupid!
Me: It looks fine honey.
Cass: (more whining) No, it doesn't. It looks stupid and everyone will laugh at me.
Me: Ok, hurry up, how do you want it?
Cass: (crying, hiccuping) I want a ponytail, half up, half down, in a bun.
Me: (exasperated) Which one, half up, half down, bun or ponytail?
Cass: (slight crying now) All of them, I want a combination.
Me: (wondering when I became a contortionist cosmetologist) Fine, bring me your brush and hurry, we are now late:

I fix her hair. It is beautiful. She smiles. She loves it. It is perfect.

I get in the car. I start it. I am patiently waiting for her. Michael is in the car. We are both waiting. She comes out of the house.

Her hair is down, no barrettes, no ponytails, nothing....nothing...nothing!!

WTF???

Merry Christmas Eve

Merry Christmas Eve!! Hopefully everyone is ready...tonight Santa will visit, tomorrow the kids will be up at the crack of dawn, or before, excited to see what Santa brought. The Magic, the Mystery of the Season.

Two years ago my daughter seemed a bit melancholy on Christmas morning. She opened her presents, but her usual excitement seemed a bit subdued. I told my husband - "I think she figured it out this year, I think she knows that we are Santa." Sure enough, a few hours later she asked me - "Mommy, did you fill our stockings? Did you eat the cookies? Did you put out our Santa gifts? Mommy, are you Santa?"

The look in her eyes was heart breaking. She was beginning her journey into adulthood and leaving childhood behind. Everything she believed in was not how it should be. She didn't want to grow up...she wanted to believe still. She wanted so much for me to tell her that she was wrong. That Santa really did exist. What should I do? Should I tell her the truth? Should I deny her the Right of Passage? AHH...all these parenting decisions.....I don't remember this being in The Manual.

Here is how our conversation went:

"Honey, Santa represents the Magic of the Season. He represents all the good in people. He lives in your heart, he is the Spirit of the Season. If you believe in the Magic and the Spirit of Season, than Santa lives in your heart and you believe. I believe in Santa, I believe in the Magic, I believe in the goodness of people......and yes, I did fill your stockings, and eat the cookies, and buy and wrap your Santa Gifts...and I do believe in Santa."

She was quiet for minute....or two....and then she looked at me with her big green eyes and said - "I believe too Mommy....and I won't tell Michael, I promise!!" She started crossing the Bridge that day....the Bridge to Adulthood. God Bless Her.

Two years later.....she still gets excited on Christmas Eve. The Magic is still alive for her. She helps me shop for Michael's stocking stuffers, her's continue to remain a surprise to her. She still puts out cookies for Santa, carrots for the reindeer....I am not sure if it is for Michael's benefit, or for her....it doesn't really matter...she is still on the bridge, she is not even half way across yet! God Bless Her.

Merry Christmas Everyone...I hope you have a wonderful and safe Holiday!

My Daughter's Flame

I am not a shopper....I only go if I have to and I have to totally be "In the Mood" to go. Today I went shopping....for 5 hours!! And I had a wonderful time. I went with my daughter...the beautiful girl you see in the picture above...falling asleep doing homework.

She is 12 years old, this beautiful daughter of mine. She is sweet, funny, positive, she has a beautiful soul....it shines. She is nothing like me at all!! Just Kidding!! I am not as nice as she is though! She sees only the good in people and would never intentionally hurt another human being, even when they are hurting her.

She is in 7th grade this year....the dreaded middle school years. I hate it. I hate the way the girls treat each other. I hate the way she gets her feelings hurt. I hate watching it, and I really hate that I can't do anything about it!! I feel so powerless. The only thing I can do is listen to her and love her. She is a wonderful kid and has so much to offer this world. One day her star is going to shine, and it will be so bright and lovely. Right now is it shining, but it is usually kept at bay, kept dim.

Today it shone, and how lovely it was!! A bright spark, a small vision of her potential, her future. We went into the crazy holiday shoppers, the crowds, the rudeness, the chaos. She saw only the good...the cute little girl learning how to walk, the beautiful pregnant woman eagerly anticipating her baby's birth, the wonderful holiday decorations, the scents of the seasons, the music, the joy, the peace. She saw all this today and helped me to see also. I saw the traffic jam, she pointed out the beautiful pregnant woman. I saw the huge checkout line, she laughed with toddler in the cute pink dress. I saw the mess on the floor, she was smelling the candles. She gave me a gift today and she wasn't even aware of it.

This is my daughter....the baby we prayed for, for years. The baby we adopted the day she was born. The sweet girl child who lit up our lives. She is becoming a woman, a woman I am proud to call my daughter. Her peers may try to dim her flame, she won't allow it. It is still burning and every day it gets brighter. She will become a wonderful woman one day and she will change the world....she has already changed mine.

Mean Mommy University

According to my son I am the Meanest Mommy in the World!!! A title I relish!! "Why, yes I am my sweet little son. I went to the Mean Mommy University and graduated summa cum laude." I think he believes me...there really is a school for this because he is sure I could not have become this mean on my own.

"No, my son, you can not have your Advent calendar chocolate for breakfast."
"My son, please put that cap from the milk carton in the garbage. I know you think it is the next National Treasure but I am tired of finding all your little treasures in the washing machine."
"Yes, my son, I must be able to read your homework. There must be spaces between the words. I know you are practicing to be a doctor, but you must pass 2nd grade first."

I can go on and on, but you get the picture here. So, the other day as we were driving along our merry way....I totally pissed him off, yet again!! He proceeds to tell me "You are the Meanest Mommy!" I say...."Yeah, so, what's your point?" He delved deep into himself....he really wanted to prove a point...I really pissed him off this time....he was going to show me...
"I...I....I want to go back to South Carolina!" (note here - he is adopted, was born in South Carolina, his birthmother still lives there, he knows this!!)

Silence on his smug little face...he showed me...now is my chance to repent my Mean Mommy ways, beg him for forgiveness, plead with him to stay with me, give him McDonalds every night for dinner, chocolate for breakfast. He was going to be Riding the Easy Train from here on out!!
I calmly replied - "Okay honey, when we get home we will call Laura and make arrangements for you to move back there." Silence again, this time not so smug....."Forget it", he says chagrined, "I will just stay here with you."

I guess having a Mean Mommy is not so bad after all!!
Isn't he a cute little guy!!