this journey begins here
I hung up the phone that day and immediately regretted it. I wanted that baby more than I wanted the breath that was leaving my body in gasps. I had become emotionally attached and was not ready to let go....but let go I had to.
"If you love something set it free. If it comes back it is yours. If it doesn't, it was not meant to be."
That was my mantra that day and for many days to come.
You may wonder how I had the strength and/or faith to do what I did. I had only known L for 3 months and I only knew her through phone conversations. Our phone conversations were very long!!! At least an hour, most times 2 hours. We spoke on the phone weekly, sometimes more. We both have very open, easygoing personalities and we both have the gift of gab. We became close very fast. I felt I knew her very well. I also had numerous phone conversations with her mom. We became close also. Not only did I feel close to L, I also felt close to her mom. I knew she had a wonderful support system and I knew she could parent this baby, and do a wonderful job.
I also knew that I was a distraction to her in her decision making process. She needed to make her decision without any distractions. I needed to let her go and wait. Patience.....again.
Again....my world became ruled by the telephone. When would it ring? When it did ring would it be L or our agency. I became obsessed with the phone and was afraid to leave the house in case it rang while I was gone. Of course this was absurd...I had a 4 year old to take care of....a job to go to....dogs to walk, etc. Obviously I had to leave the house, and I did. I would take Cassie to school, go to work, walk the dogs, go grocery shopping.....and that was it. Every other minute was spent at home, waiting for the phone to ring.
But, it never rang. Thanksgiving came and went...no phone call. Should I send her an email? No...leave her alone.
Weeks went by....no phone call.
Dave did not have the emotional attachment that I had to L. He kept his distance very well, that was his safety net...his protection. Oh how I was envious of him during this time. He knew we had lost L's baby long before I even thought it. This was becoming a much different journey than our first one. Although we were still a united front, it was much more emotional for me. I spent hours on the internet searching adoption sites, searching for our next baby. Dave was detached from this...he was much more patient than I was.....oh how I yearned for his patience. He was also very patient with me during my emotional highs and lows. He was definitely the family's pillar of strength during this tumultuous period.
Christmas was one week away...I needed to do some shopping. I was tired of the phone dictating my life. I made a decision to free myself of the phone obsession. I left my house and was gone the entire day. I had a wonderful time....I felt free....I felt alive. I had not realized how depressed I had become the past month. That day energized me. I made peace with myself. It was obvious to me at this time that L had decided to parent her baby. I said a prayer for her and wished her well. I was ready to move on.
I came home that day to a phone message...it was from L.