Our Adoption Journey, Part 8

If you are just joining us, please refer to the following posts before reading this one: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7 I was just finishing up a patient when my pager beeped. I looked at the number displayed and my heart froze. The feeling you get when you know you are going to experience incredible excitement, or horrible dismay. Your heart is not sure yet which way to turn, so it freezes until your brain tells it which direction to go. I run to the office phone and dial the number, A's number.



"Hello A, I just received your page. How is everything?"



"Everything is OK, I guess", she replied. "But I just came back from my doctor's office and he doesn't think I can deliver the baby vaginally. He has scheduled a C-section for me on Wednesday."



My heart turns in the direction of incredible excitement! Next Wednesday! Today is Thursday! How many days is that? 1, 2....5 days. In 5 days I am going to be a Mom! In 5 days my dreams will be coming true. In 5 days...in 5 days.



"Are you ready?" she asks me.



Am I ready? I was ready when I was 21 years old and stopped taking my birth control pills and had the optimistic opinion that I would be pregnant in a month. I was ready when I was 23 years old and we went to our first appointment with the infertility specialist. I was ready when I was 27 years old, a college graduate finally, and we went back to the infertility specialist. I was now 28 years old and had been ready every one of those days, every hour, every minute, every second. Yes, I was ready.



"Are you ready?" I asked her.



"Yes," she said. "I am ready."



What was she thinking? feeling? Her baby had been a part of her for the last 10 months. She felt it grow inside of her. She felt it kick her under her ribs, in her bladder. She was kept up at night, having to pee every hour, not being able to find a comfortable position. She would soon see her daughter, see the foot that kicked her ribs incessantly. See the elbow she could trace on her abdomen when the baby moved. She would get to hold her daughter, briefly, a few hours, maybe a day, and give her to us to love and raise and parent, for a lifetime. She would walk into the hospital in 5 days with her daughter, and walk out with empty arms. What was she feeling?



I couldn't help but worry about A. By this time I had deep feelings for her. She was so young, yet so very mature. She was more than confident about her decision. She had told me many times that she got pregnant for a reason, so we could become parents. She firmly believed that. She got pregnant while using a condom and birth control pills. She believed that her baby was meant to be ours from the beginning. Her faith was very strong.



The time frame was eerily parallel between her pregnancy and our journey. August - A gets pregnant, we find out we will never be pregnant. September - A finds out she is pregnant, we start the adoption process. October - A contacts the adoption agency, we contact the same agency to begin our homestudy process. January - A chooses our letter, our adoption plan with K fails. To make this even more eerie, when A received the packet of "Dear Birthmother Letters" from the agency and she opened the packet, our letter fell out, fluttered to the ground and landed face up. A looked down and saw our smiling faces looking up at her. She said she knew at that moment that we were the ones. Even now, this sends shivers up my spine.



I can't describe the incredible joy and excitement I felt after that phone call. I don't know how I finished up the work day and drove home. I do remember calling Dave and giving him the news. Once again we were at the epitome of the roller coaster ride. In 5 days we would become parents. This precious little girl was not growing in my body, but she was already growing in our hearts. The roots had taken hold and a beautiful tree was sprouting....and we have not seen her, touched her, or smelled her yet.



to be continued....