Reflections

As I sit here feeling the need to write my mind wanders.....what do I need to write about? I can't find an answer so I start typing and hope the words will come.





Today I celebrated my birthday and Father's Day with my parents. We had a lovely dinner, but it was quiet. I come from a family of 5 children, with me being the only girl. Dinners at my parents' house is usually far from quiet....today it was quiet. There has been a divide in the family. What started out as a stupid and meaningless misunderstanding has turned into a large and gaping hole. A hole that will not be easily filled. Years of misunderstandings, hurtful words, and circumstances that have gotten out of control have made this hole deep and filled with hurt and anger. My parents are suffering. I hurt for them, but I cannot fill the hole by myself. I can pick up my shovel and start digging, but it is too overwhelming for me....I put my shovel down. Today was a quiet day...it was a good day, just quiet. The thought went through my mind, "this is what it feels like to be an only child". I felt sad. These feelings are brought on by only one brother and his wife....how can 2 people hurt so many, divide an entire family. It baffles my mind. I feel lucky to have 3 other brothers and a wonderful sister in law, whom I call Sister. I need to concentrate on the positives and spend less time dwelling on the negatives.





My birthday is Monday...I will turn 42. When my mom was 42 she was old....funny...I am not that old! What have I accomplished in my 42 years on this earth? My first response is nothing...but that is not true. I am a mom, a wife....I have many accomplishments. Each day is an accomplishment...sometimes just getting through the day is an accomplishment. My daughter is 13 and is on cusp of her teen age years...years of tremendous growth. I am very proud of her, she is a wonderful young lady. We have parented her well, of course we have made mistakes, we are not perfect. Our son is 8 and is a very sweet natured little boy. I am very proud of him. They are products of their environment. We have created a loving and nurturing home for them and it shows in their soul, their essence. They have peace in their life, we have given them a gift....what an accomplishment as a parent.




I have been married to Dave for 20 years. That in and of itself is an accomplishment. I love him more today than I did 25 years ago, when we first met. Our marriage has seen its ups and downs, but it is stronger now than it ever has been, and grows stronger every day. I was asked the following question recently - "do you still like him?" I could honestly answer that question - "yes, more than ever". In today's narcissistic society marriages have adapted an "easy come, easy go" reputation. Compromising, letting go, altruism, forgiving and forgetting, sharing, and loving another person are all traits of a strong marriage...and are all wonderful accomplishments.





So, yes, I have many accomplishments in my 42 years. Important ones, ones that matter. I can appreciate nature's beauty, take great pleasure in watching bees at work, a sunset, the birds' music. I can enjoy a child's laugh, watch a child grow in love and flourish. I can appreciate my mother's cooking, my father's advice and love. I can look at my husband and not imagine life without him. I can look at my children and see the future and know they will make a difference. I may not live in a huge house, or have a huge bank account. My car is 7 years old, but it runs. My house needs a lot of work, but it is a home filled with love.....and that is my greatest accomplishment and what I am most proud of.





As I look back on today I need to remember my accomplishments. I see my family divide as a failure on my part. This is not true. I am only one person. I am not perfect, I make mistakes, I am human. I have made my amends for my mistakes, I have filled in my part of the hole...I cannot fill it alone. I put down my shovel and now I need to remember my accomplishments. The hole will have to be filled by others, it is now out of my control.