Footprints of a Family, our second adoption journey, epilogue

this journey begins here



Thank you for taking this journey with me, with us. I have enjoyed writing it as much as you have enjoyed reading it. This was such wonderful and tumultuous time for us. We did go home with Michael that Saturday. We were met at the airport by my parents and our daughter...what an incredible reunion it was. Cassie was so excited to meet her brother, she immediately wanted to hold him, remember she was only 4 years old. As we were walking out of the airport, I was holding her hand and she looked up to me and said, "Mommy, thank you for bringing home my baby brother." Tears flowed down my face.





Michael's birthfather continued to contest the adoption, but he did it silently. He was formally served adoption papers. He ignored them. He had 30 days to sign, fight, or do nothing. He did nothing. Somehow they found our phone number and we started getting daily phone calls, multiple calls a day. They never said anything. This went on for weeks. Finally, I grew tired of the calls. One day I said into the phone, "Please stop calling us. We would have gladly shared Michael with you and kept you in his life through pictures and letters, but we will not put up with this BS. Please stop calling us until you can be more respectful towards us." That was the last phone call we received. After the 30 days was up we thought we were free. Alas, we were not. He was served papers again and this time had 14 days to contest, sign, or do nothing. Again, he did nothing and his parental rights were finally terminated.





Six months later we stood in front of a Judge and formally became a family of four. Our family was complete that day.





Breastfeeding Michael was not as easy as I had hoped it would be. The supplemental nursing system was very difficult to use, and Michael was a very difficult baby. He did nurse for comfort many a night during his colicky phase. That was a blessing, being able to soothe him. For that reason alone I found this endeavor to be successful.





We have stayed in contact with Laura and her family. Michael wore the family christening gown his birth great grandmother made, on the day he was baptized. We were very honored and that made his baptism day all the more special. We did send it back for the upcoming generations to wear. Laura has 2 daughters now, a 2.5 year old and a 9 month old. We refer to these angels as Michael's baby sisters. He speaks to Laura and the older girl on the phone frequently. He will even sign cards to them - "Love your big brother, Michael". I find this very endearing. Michael's birthfamily has sent birthday and Christmas gifts to both Michael and Cassie, every year. I was so thankful for this because I did not want Cassie to feel left out. They have always included her in everything, which is wonderful because we don't have the same relationship with her birthfamily.





"How have we told our children they are adopted?" - I don't know....to be quite honest with you!! They have always known. It has always been a part of our dialogue. When they were very young we read adoption books to them, we have quite a few excellent adoption children's stories. When we read them, we would elaborate the book with their story. When I was asked if they grew in my tummy, we would talk about it - "No sweetie, you grew in Laura/A's tummy and she gave you to us to love and that is how we became your Mommy and Daddy". Our conversations have always been open and honest and loving. This was very important to me. I was also adopted and I have always known. My parents always talked about my birthparents in a kind and loving way, they always let me know how special adoption was. My adoption was closed, still is....that was how they did it then. I am so glad the times have changed. Open adoption is so much healthier for everyone involved.


"Have my children ever screamed in anger that I was not their mother?" - No, not yet, but I am sure they will. I did to my mother when I was a teenager (yes, I have apologized to her for that!!) Cassie did say to me one night in all of her preteen angst, "If I am so special why did A give me away?" Oh how that broke my heart, my sweet little angel hurting so much. I have told her many times why A "gave her away" but I knew at that moment my words would mean nothing to her. Thankfully A had written her a letter on the day she was born and I knew this was the moment to let her read it. In this beautiful letter A tells her everything I have always told her, but at that moment she needed to "hear" it from A. She read that letter, and she understood, and she felt loved, and she was at peace. A was also adopted and she knew this day would come...I was so grateful to her again. I am sure it will come up again, but I am also sure that having contact with their birthmothers eases most of their uncertainty and questions. We have only spoken of the birthmothers in loving and kind ways.


"Since you seem to be close to Michael's birth family, has this had any impact on Cassie, not having that same closeness?" - Not that we are aware of. Of course, it was very helpful to have his birthfamily "adopt" Cassie and include her in everything so she never felt left out. We are eternally grateful to them for that. I think if they had not done that it would have had a huge impact on her! We also have contact with Cassie's birthmother and I knew she would be open to visits. Cassie expressed in interest in a visit last year and I encouraged her to send an email. She did and we met with her birth grandmother and birthmother and her baby sister. It was a beautiful day and we are now in more frequent contact. After our visit was over, Cassie looked at me and said, "Thank you Mommy." Tears came to my eyes as I told her, "Your welcome".


I hope I have answered all your questions. I did not really have a goal when I started writing these journeys, but now that they are done I hope you have a much better understanding of the intricacies of open adoption. I also hope you have the utmost respect for birthmothers, they are amazing woman and I hold them in the highest regard.


Cassie and I watched the movie Juno the other night....we loved it. It was very honest and real. I highly recommend it.


Open adoption is a beautiful paradox. Through hope, love, joy and pain two families who were once strangers are forever united and become one family bonded together through the love they share for a special child.


the final chapter will be Michael through the years, a photo journey

Footprints of a Family, our second adoption journey, part 15

this journey begins here

Our first night with Michael was wonderful. It felt so great to hold him and love him and care for him. He took to the breastfeeding like a champ, unfortunately the supplemental feeding device was not as user friendly as I had hoped....but we persevered, and were very glad we had bottles also!!





Wednesday morning we awoke and called Laura. I was worried about her and her mother. I imagined their night was not as magical as ours was. We decided to go to their house for a visit.





When we had left the hospital the previous night, we did not make plans to see each other again until right before we left for home. Funny how you make plans you think are right, and what actually happens is the complete opposite, but is so right!





We spent Wednesday and every day until we left at Laura's house. Those days were wonderful for everyone. All of us cared for Michael, feeding him, burping him, changing his diapers...we all did it, and it was the best thing for us. It was magical to see the smile on Laura's face when she held Michael. To see Laura's mom talking to him like only a grandmother could was breath taking. Time stood still those days while we basked in the love of a new life.





We were also in constant contact with our attorney and social worker. Apparently the birthfather decided to contest the adoption. The was a major bump in our journey and this bump was keeping us in South Carolina while we longed to be home in California. Day after day went by....waiting for the okay to leave.





Our days were spent at Laura's house, our nights were spent in our hotel room with our son. Our hearts were torn between our new son and our daughter we missed horribly. Each time we snuggled our newborn son and kissed his sweet smelling head was a reprieve from the terrible ache in our hearts missing our daughter's sweet hugs and cuddles.





Tuesday.....Wednesday......Thursday....waiting....always the interminable waiting.





Thursday we speak to our attorney and our social worker. The consensus everyone has is that the birthfather is only contesting the adoption because he thinks Laura has been compensated monetarily for the adoption and he wants his share of the profits. He has no desire to parent Michael. We get the okay to leave the state. If the birthfather is serious about contesting the adoption he will have to fight it in California. We can finally go home!!





Thursday night we go out to dinner with Laura and her mom. It is a goodbye dinner. We are all lost in a fog of fatigue and emotions. Our plans are set to drive to Atlanta on Friday and fly home on Saturday. Our time with Laura has come to a close. She has given us a most precious gift, how can we ever thank her for it.....the reality is we can't. Over dinner Laura and her mom offer to take Michael home for the night so we can get a good night's sleep before we go home. It is a generous offer and very tempting....we are very tired. As much as I wanted to say yes, I couldn't. A part of me felt very selfish...I had his whole life, why couldn't I give her one night? I couldn't though, I just couldn't. They were very understanding, if they were disappointed, it didn't show. Their level of generosity was unimaginable.





Friday morning arrived and we were ready to leave. We stopped at Laura's house to say our final goodbyes. Her mom and her grandmother were there. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, saying goodbye to the three women who I came to love, who I admired greatly, who had a place in my heart. The three women who gave us a gift of life.





We received a phone call while we were there from our social worker. She told us we could not leave yet. We did not understand...we were told we could....we were packed....don't you understand, we have to get home...our daughter...our son.





We called our attorney. He said we could go. He would take care of it. Everything would be okay. Don't worry.





What do we do?





We leave as planned. We say goodbye to Laura, we say goodbye to her mom, we say goodbye to her grandmother. Her grandmother holds Laura as she sobs, as we leave. I cry as we get in the car. Adoption....such joy amidst such pain....a paradox.





Atlanta is a 2 hour car ride and I promptly fall asleep from exhaustion. I wake up and ask Dave, "Are we in Georgia yet?"

"Yes", he replies.





My heart is at ease. We have crossed the state line with our son. The son we may have to fight for when we get home. The son we have known for only 5 days, but we have known for a lifetime. The son we would give our life for. We are taking him home to meet his sister. The daughter we would give our life for. Our family is complete. Our journey is coming to a close. Another journey awaits us....the journey of parenthood....the journey that never ends.





This is the conclusion to this series. I will post an epilogue shortly and a journey in pictures of Michael's life. Some wonderful questions have been asked in the comments and I would like to answer any questions you might have when I write the epilogue. Please feel free to ask your questions in your comments. Thank you for embarking on this journey with me.

Footprints of a Family, our second adoption journey, part 14

this journey begins here

Tuesday morning we awoke bright and early and went to the hospital. Laura was in good spirits and Michael was doing very well. We spent the morning visiting and enjoying Michael. We had numerous visitors, including our attorney and agency social worker. Dave and I also had the pleasure of meeting Laura's extended family of aunts, uncles, and cousins. We were having a marvelous time until the phone calls began.





The phone calls were from Michael's birthfather's mother and family. They started in Laura's room and they were not congratulatory or positive in any way. After numerous inflammatory calls, we stopped answering the phone. The calls then went to the nurse's station. The accused us of numerous, erroneous, and downright ludicrous things. The were under the assumption that we were wealthy and we were paying Laura for this precious baby. The nurses were wonderful and amazing. They fielded these horrendous calls with poise and professionalism. They protected us from this hostility, even when the calls became more and more frequent, and more inflammatory. We knew what was happening outside of the hospital room, but we were also cocooned in the safety of the hospital room. Deep down, we were not concerned with our physical safety, but our emotional and mental safety was threatened. The birthfather still had not signed his papers, and as delusional as he was, he still had rights. He did not want the baby, but he wanted his share of the "profits". If only he knew that the only "profits" Laura recieved was a broken heart, a peaceful one, but still a bit broken.





The day was passing and eventually the phone calls stopped. The visitors trickled away and it was soon discharge time. Laura and Michael were going home....Michael with us, and Laura with her mother. Laura wanted to make the occasion a special one. Her grandmother, Michael's birth great grandmother who shares his birthday, handmade baby gowns for Michael. Laura and I dressed him in one of the gowns and wrapped him in a blanket Laura bought for him. Laura and her mother carried this precious bundle to the hospital chapel. We followed.





In the chapel Laura had a special "handing over ceremony". She placed her son in our arms and told us she was giving him to us so he could have the life she felt she was unable to provide for him. She was trusting us to love him and raise him into a healthy and happy man.





We held Michael in our arms and thanked Laura for her selflessness and promised to love and nurture Michael. I looked in her eyes and saw her love for him and us and hoped I could live up to her expectations. At that moment I saw into her soul, what a beautiful site.





Laura, her mother, Dave and I hugged and cried and hugged and cried more. We then went back to Laura's room and we gathered up Michael's belongings. Dave and I left the hospital with our son, in our hearts we were carrying Laura also.





We went to our hotel room and prepared for our first night with our son. We called my parents immediately so Cassie could talk to her new brother. Our attorney estimated that we would be going home by the weekend.....it was Tuesday night....just a few more days....we hoped...





to be continued.....

Footprints of a Family, our second adoption journey, part 13

this journey begins here

We walked into Laura's room. Her mother was with her. We were still on our emotional high from the birth and were marveling over how perfect this little boy was. I looked at Laura and said, "I don't think we can adopt this baby." She looked at me in shock and was speechless. Her mother asked me what I was talking about. I told them, "I saw the way you looked at him and I saw the love in your eyes. I can't take him away from you, you love him too much." Laura and her mom both said to us, "That is why we want you to have him...we love him that much. Because of our love for him, we are doing this." We all had tears rolling down our faces and were hugging each other. I still felt pain in my heart for Laura, but I also felt joy in our new son. This is the paradox of adoption, immense pain coupled with immense love and immense joy.


Michael Patrick was born on February 14. He shares his birthday with his Grandmother (Dave's mom) and his Birth Great Grandmother (Laura's grandmother). He could not have been born on a more perfect day. All those days spent waiting for his birth, all those hours spent crying and waiting. It was all meant to be. We formed a special bond with Laura and her family in those days. We now call them our Family in South Carolina...not only Laura, but her mother and aunts and uncles and cousins and grandmother....all of them we keep in contact with to this day.


We left the hospital mid morning to get some rest. We had been up for well over 24 hours, and as excited as we were, we were also exhausted. We called Cassie and told her that her little brother was here. She was very excited and asked when we would be coming home. Soon, we told her, very soon, as soon as the paperwork was complete. Her 4 year old mind could not comprehend paperwork and state regulations, she wanted us home now, her brother was here and she wanted to meet him. I cried again when I hung up the phone.


We also called our attorney and our social worker. The paperwork process was started. The birth father was still not cooperating. We were reassured numerous times not to worry about this, he would not be a problem.


Before Michael's birth, before we arrived in South Carolina we were contacted by a journalist who was writing an article on Internet adoptions for Parenting Magazine. We agreed to be interviewed for her article, and Laura gave her permission also. We put her on our email loop so she could stayed updated on our adoption process. We were very surprised to receive a phone call from her on the day of Michael's birth. She asked permission to come to South Carolina and meet us and Laura in order to include Michael's birth in the article. We gave her our permission and she arranged a photographer locally. Her story ran in Parenting Magazine and also ran in Adoptive Families Magazine.


As you can probably guess, we did not get much rest. We made and received numerous phone calls. Our adrenaline was working overtime. Our excitement level was astronomical. We had a son!! He was finally here!! He was perfect!! Everything was falling into place....finally....we could ease our minds and enjoy our expanding family.


We might have had a quick cat nap...but we wanted to get back to the hospital and admire our new son. A quick shower for both of us and back to the hospital we went. Laura was in great spirits. She was amazing through this whole experience. She always had a positive outlook and she kept her sense of humor. She never lost her spirit, I was humbled by her. We spent her hospital visit with her and Michael, in her room. I attempted to breastfeed Michael with her and her mom helping me. They loved the idea and were very supportive to me. We spent hours staring at Michael and oohing and aahing over him. It was beautiful.


Midday, Michael's birth father arrived at the hospital. This was the first time we had met him. He was very subdued and didn't say much. We did get a picture of him and Laura with Michael. His visit was very short. He was non confrontational, but he still did not sign any papers or agree to the adoption.


We spent the day in Laura's room. We visited with each other and Laura's visitors. We took care of Michael and took turns holding him. It was a beautiful, relaxing day. No tears were shed this afternoon, only laughter and love.


We went back to our hotel that night with smiles on our faces and love and peace in our hearts. Laura and Michael would be discharged the following day. If all went well, we would be on a plane by the weekend....going home to our beautiful daughter and the completion of our family.


We woke up the next day and went to hospital in the morning. So began a day full of chaos....


to be continued....

Footprints of a Family, our second adoption journey, part 12

this journey begins here

from now on L will be referred to by her name - Laura

Sunday, February 13, 2000

We spent the day at Laura's house with her mom and grandmother. The weather was very cold, there was even snow on the ground in places. Laura was feeling better after the Castor oil debacle. Everyone was anxious for Laura's labor to start. My nerves were beyond frayed, Dave's also. Laura was walking laps throughout the house with one of us accompanying her. Finally, we needed a change of scenery, so we decided to take our walking elsewhere.

We went to the local WalMart and walked the store. And walked and walked. We had a basket for Laura to lean on (it never dawned on anyone to ask her why she felt the need to lean on it). We had a ball in that store, believe or not. I am not sure how long we were there, but I do remember Laura using the bathroom a few times. Every time she returned from the bathroom I looked at her expectantly, hoping she would say that her water had broken....she never did.

After a couple of hours of stalking the WalMart aisles, we decided that we were hungry. Laura chose a restaurant and off we went. It was a buffet style restaurant, one of Laura's favorites. I am sure the food was good, but I have no recollection. I don't even know if I ate anything. By this time I become aware of Laura's growing discomfort and I guessed, and hoped, she was in labor. I became fully focused on her and my heart sped up a notch. I was suddenly wide awake, the lethargy I had been feeling all day slipped away.

Our meal was finished and we were having our dessert. Laura was coming back to the table with her dessert and as she was putting her plate down, she suddenly stood up tall and said, "I have to go the bathroom."

She quickly walked away and I said, "I bet her water just broke."

I was right. She came back to the table and said, "I think my water just broke." We quickly left the restaurant and drove to her house. After a call in to the doctor we were on the way to the hospital. The time was around 9:00 pm.

We arrived at the hospital and Laura is quickly checked in and examined. Yes, she was leaking amniotic fluid....yes, she was in labor....yes, the moment we have all been waiting for has arrived. The baby is coming.

We had been in South Carolina for 8 days. In those days we shed many tears, said many prayers, laughed until we cried, met and fell in love with and bonded with Laura and her family, held hands, held each other, bonded anew with each other, missed our daughter, made numerous phone calls....and grew emotionally and spiritually and more in love with each other and life. We were now coming to the end of one phase of our journey and embarking on a new phase of our journey.

We called our daughter and told her that her brother was on his way. We also called our friend who sent out the news via our email loop we had going during our stay. (When we finally came home I printed up all the emails in this loop from our entire stay in South Carolina...what a treasure.)

Laura was in active labor, and not really liking any part of it. I remember watching her and thinking..."I have the easy part, all I have to do is write a check". I did share this with her, but she did see the humor in it at that time. She did get an epidural which made all the difference in the world....then she thought my comment was funny!! Laura labored and catnapped throughout the night. We catnapped and watched her.

By 6:30 or 7:00 the following morning she was fully dilated and ready to deliver. Her mom, her friend and myself were with her....Dave waited in the hallway. I had the distinct pleasure and honor of watching Laura give birth to our son. I held her leg while she birthed her son, our son. I witnessed his perfect head crown and grow as he emerged from his first mother's body, his first mother who loved him enough to give him life. The emotions that ran through my body were awe inspiring....I can't even put it into words. He slipped through her body and into this world and was placed on her belly. I cut the cord separating him from her, but their ties will never be broken....their hearts are still woven together.

The nurse wrapped him in a blanket and handed him to Laura. Laura looked at him, smiled, and turned to me and said, "Say hello to your son" and handed him to me.

I was speechless, tears were pouring down my face. I looked down at him and looked up at her and our eyes met. I saw in her eyes immense love for this little boy. I looked at her mother and saw immense love and tears, joy and sadness. I looked down at the baby boy I was holding and immediately fell in love.

Laura asked me what his name was....

"How about Michael?" I said.

"Yes," she said, "I like that name."

During this entire moment that felt like hours, but was only minutes, we forgot one very important item.....we forgot to tell Dave!! Laura's friend ran out to the hallway and told him to come in and meet his son.

The moment Dave saw Michael for the first time tears streamed down his face and I fell in love with both my boys all over again. Dave, Laura, her mom, and I held him and loved him and admired him....it was a beautiful moment.

The time came for Michael to go down to the nursery and we walked him down there. We were not allowed in the nursery, but watched through the window. My heart was breaking for Laura and her mom. I watched her birth this baby and I saw the love and pain in her eyes as she handed him to me. I saw that same love and pain in her mother's eyes.

I looked at Dave and said, "We can't adopt this baby. Laura loves him so much...I can't do this to her. We have to go tell her now, and we need to go home."

Dave just stared at me...."What do you mean? Of course we have to adopt this baby..we have been here waiting for this...What are you talking about?" Desperation makes his voice rise.

"I just can't break Laura's heart. I can't do it. She loves him too much. I am going to go and tell her now."

I turn away and start walking back to her room. Dave follows, too stunned to say anything coherent.

to be continued....

Footprints of a Family, our second adoption journey, part 11

this journey begins here

Every night we went to sleep anticipating a phone call. Every morning we woke up without one.


Monday morning rolled around and we had an appointment with our attorney. If you remember, we retained an attorney and an adoption agency in South Carolina in addition to the attorney and agency we had in California. Our attorney was quite the character. I wish I could use his real name because it was a classic Southern Gentleman's name. For the sake of this story, we will refer to him as Colonel Sanders, because that is exactly who he resembled. I am sure our jaws hit the floor the first time we saw him.

Colonel Sanders had never facilitated an out of state adoption, before ours. The birthfather was not cooperating, at all. In fact he was being difficult, to say the least. This created quite a dilemma for us and it had the potential to be a disaster. The birthfather was ignoring all correspondence and refused to sign any papers. He thought we were paying L and he wanted his fair share. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth. Mr. Sanders was retained in order to circumvent a disaster. His southern hospitality and warm demeanor soon put our fears to rest.


Day after day passed without any signs of labor. I was able to be present at a doctor's appointment with L. I was hoping he would have a crystal ball, or a magic wand to let us know when labor would start. Unfortunately he did not. We would have loved to do some sightseeing, but we were afraid to venture too far from L. We did spend a day in downtown Columbia, and were able to forget, for just a short while, our anxiety. We love old graveyards and found quite a few in the old churches...looking in the past helped us forget our present.


We also spent quite a bit of time with L and her family. We became even closer during this time. We were called to South Carolina early for this reason. In having these days with L before the birth, our bond and love for each other was cemented and made stronger. We also had the opportunity to form a bond with her extended family. The bonds of love were being woven and our families now are intricately tied to one another. I am not sure this would have happened so freely and easily without these days and moments. Looking back now I can see this and appreciate...it was very difficult to see in the moment, if not impossible.


In the moment my heart was breaking being separated from our sweet angel daughter Cassie. Our daily letters and cards graduated to little gifts. Daily we sent a package to her and daily these packages grew in size. Everywhere we went, we saw a reminder of her. These reminders were savored and purchased and sent. A shirt that said "love bug" on it brought tears to my eyes. This was our nickname for her. It was quickly purchased and sent off. I would hold a stuffed animal and wish I was holding her...another purchase, another package.


"Is my baby brother here yet Mommy?"
"Not yet, my love, not yet."
"I prayed last night Mommy and asked God when he was coming. He said soon. When is soon Mommy?"
"I don't know love, I don't know."


L and her mother knew of our anguish. Unfortunately there was nothing any could do....or was there? Isn't there an old wives tale that stated that Castor oil would bring on labor?


Apparently there was, according to L's mother and grandmother. Off Dave and I went looking for Castor oil. Voila, mission accomplished.


Castor oil. A noxious substance. Putrid smell and taste, or so I am told. Desperate times call for desperate measures. One look and whiff of the stuff and we could not force it down L....but her mother and grandmother could, and they did. Poor girl, she barely choked it down before it was coming back up. We felt horrible. We felt worse than horrible. We wanted to run out of that house and hide. Poor L was 40 weeks pregnant and violently ill from the Castor oil and no closer to labor than she was earlier in the day.


This was Saturday, February 12, 2000. We had been in South Carolina for exactly a week now and L was still pregnant, even after the Castor oil.


Maybe the Castor oil had a delayed reaction after all...the next day became very interesting....


to be continued.....

Footprints of a Family, our second adoption journey, part 10

this journey begins here I hung up the phone, looked at Dave, and said...."The baby is coming." We were instantly awake and our gears were running. The first thing I did was phone the airlines to have our flight rescheduled. While I was on hold with the airlines, I went straight to our clothes dryer and started folding clothes.


My husband sees what I am doing and incredulously asks me, "Why are you doing laundry now?" I looked at him and said, "I have no idea." To this day we laugh about that. I guess in my subconscience mind, laundry was a mind numbing, soothing act and that is what I needed in that moment.


Laundry aside, we changed our flight to that morning. My parents were going to drive us to the airport and watch Cassie while we were gone. Our good friends offered to drive our dog up to the kennels for us. Our other dog and cat were staying home and our neighbor was going to take care of them. We were set. Our bags had been packed for awhile. We were ready to go. As we were leaving the house our phone rang. It was L's mother again. Apparently it was a false alarm. We were literally walking out the door, one minute more and we would have missed the call. Now what should we do? The plane reservations were made, the car was loaded, the dog was gone, our daughter was taken care of....should we still go, or stop the process knowing that this whole scenario will be repeated again? Most likely within a few days.


We decided to go. Our momentum was going, we were unable to stop. Off we went to the airport.


We flew into Atlanta. We were planning on renting a car and driving to South Carolina. We have good friends in Atlanta so we decided to stay a night with them, since we were no longer in a complete rush. We had a wonderful visit with our friends and the next day we rented a car and drove the 2 hours to Columbia. Our friends would have liked us to stay a bit longer but we were anxious to get to our final destination. Even though we were in constant contact with L and knew she was doing fine, we wanted to be in Columbia. We knew that there was a reason for us to be there early, we just did not know what is was yet.


We arrived in town and checked into our hotel. The day was Sunday, February 6, 2000. We called L and made arrangements to meet her and her mother for dinner. In the meantime we went to the grocery store to purchase the essentials and unpack. Our hotel room had a kitchenette which we knew would be essential with a new baby.


Before we knew it, it was time for dinner. I will never forget walking into the restaurant and seeing L and her mother sitting there with the biggest smiles on their faces. We immediately felt at ease and had a wonderful meal. We talked and laughed like we had known each other forever. It was wonderful and we all agreed that this was a much better way to meet for the first time, rather than our first meeting being in the hospital.


We went back to our hotel. Before going to bed that night I wrote a note to Cassie. I promised to send her a card every day...and we did. Dave wrote some and I wrote some, and we wrote some together. Missing her was horrendeous, and every day we were there it hurt more.


We also made daily phone calls to my parents and spoke with Cassie. Everyday she asked us, "Is my baby brother here yet?"...and everyday we had to tell her "No". Everyday I hung up the phone crying...everyday my heart broke a bit more missing my baby girl. We had no idea how long we would be there. We second guessed our decision constantly, should we have stayed home? How long would this take? Not knowing was maddening. Patience....again....how many lessons would we have on patience.


What we did know was that we were there, and we would continue to be there until our little boy was born. As the days dragged on, the thought crossed our minds to just come home without our baby. That was when we were at our lowest...when we missed Cassie the most.


How many days until his birth....how long after his birth would we have to stay there?


to be continued....

Footprints of a Family, our second adoption journey, part 9

this journey begins here

I coudn't believe it. The moment I let go completely, it came back to me. How prophetic is that??

I waited to call her back until Dave was home. We held our breath and dialed the number.

L answered right away and asked us if we still wanted to adopt her baby. Of course we did!!! My heart was beating a mile a minute, tears were flowing down my face. We were jumping for joy...at that moment I felt utter peace in my heart and soul.

This was exactly one week before Christmas, 1999. She was going to wait until Christmas Eve to call us, but couldn't wait that long. The previous month was hard on her also. Once she was left alone, without any distractions, she was able to think. Initially she decided to parent her baby. Her mother was disappointed, but would support her. As time wore on, she changed her mind again...and again....and again. I can not fathom the mental turmoil she went through that month. My heart broke for her while she was telling me.

Her mother came in her room one day and said, "Well, I guess we should get the extra room cleared out and get it ready for the baby." L answered her, "That won't be necessary Mom. I have decided to place the baby up for adoption, with Alison and Dave."

L had made her final decision and she was at peace with it. Her mom was at peace with it also.

The phone call was made and our world was made complete. We had a wonderful Christmas that year, knowing that it would be Cassie's last one as an only child. The following Christmas we would have a 10 month old boy crawling around. Yes, this baby was a boy and he was due in February.....the 12th to be exact.

I had decided that I wanted to breastfeed this baby. This has always been a dream of mine and through much research, I found it could also be a reality. I was taking herbal supplements in tea and pill form that could induce lactation. I also borrowed a breast pump from a friend and spent many an hour hooked up to it. I purchased a supplemental feeding device, drank liters of herbal tea, took tons of herbal supplements, and made permanent hickeys on my breasts. I was preparing for my second round of motherhood!!

The next month was also spent getting all the paperwork completed with our agency here and the one in South Carolina. The birthfather was still opposed to the adoption so we had to retain an attorney here and one in South Carolina. We also had to plan our trip back there for the birth. Our hope was to be there for the actual birth, but we also knew we would have to stay there for at least a week, if not more, after the birth before we could come home. Even though we wanted to be present for the birth, we had to be practical also. We could not fly across country and wait for a baby to make up his mind to enter into the world, knowing he could very easily be late. We made tentative plane reservation for February 12th.

Another dilemna we had was should we bring Cassie with us? We wanted her with us, but again we had to be practical. Who would watch her during the birth? Could we adequately care for a 4 year old during such an emotional time in our lives? The answer was "no". My parents kept Cassie and it turns out to be the wisest decision we made.

We also made arrangement for our dogs to stay in our friend's kennel for the duration of our trip. They knew it could be a spur of the moment drop off and were fine with the arrangements.

So, we were set. We had our bags packed. A bag packed for the baby. Travel arrangements were made. Care was set up for our daughter and our dogs. We were ready...we were in the hurry up and wait mode.

On Saturday, February 5th and 5:00 in the morning our phone rang....it was L's mother.


"L is on the way to the hospital. Her water has broken."


And so begins the most tumultuous 2 weeks of our lives....

to be continued....

Footprints of a Family, our second adoption journey, part 8

this journey begins here

I hung up the phone that day and immediately regretted it. I wanted that baby more than I wanted the breath that was leaving my body in gasps. I had become emotionally attached and was not ready to let go....but let go I had to.

"If you love something set it free. If it comes back it is yours. If it doesn't, it was not meant to be."

That was my mantra that day and for many days to come.

You may wonder how I had the strength and/or faith to do what I did. I had only known L for 3 months and I only knew her through phone conversations. Our phone conversations were very long!!! At least an hour, most times 2 hours. We spoke on the phone weekly, sometimes more. We both have very open, easygoing personalities and we both have the gift of gab. We became close very fast. I felt I knew her very well. I also had numerous phone conversations with her mom. We became close also. Not only did I feel close to L, I also felt close to her mom. I knew she had a wonderful support system and I knew she could parent this baby, and do a wonderful job.

I also knew that I was a distraction to her in her decision making process. She needed to make her decision without any distractions. I needed to let her go and wait. Patience.....again.

Again....my world became ruled by the telephone. When would it ring? When it did ring would it be L or our agency. I became obsessed with the phone and was afraid to leave the house in case it rang while I was gone. Of course this was absurd...I had a 4 year old to take care of....a job to go to....dogs to walk, etc. Obviously I had to leave the house, and I did. I would take Cassie to school, go to work, walk the dogs, go grocery shopping.....and that was it. Every other minute was spent at home, waiting for the phone to ring.

But, it never rang. Thanksgiving came and went...no phone call. Should I send her an email? No...leave her alone.

Weeks went by....no phone call.

Dave did not have the emotional attachment that I had to L. He kept his distance very well, that was his safety net...his protection. Oh how I was envious of him during this time. He knew we had lost L's baby long before I even thought it. This was becoming a much different journey than our first one. Although we were still a united front, it was much more emotional for me. I spent hours on the internet searching adoption sites, searching for our next baby. Dave was detached from this...he was much more patient than I was.....oh how I yearned for his patience. He was also very patient with me during my emotional highs and lows. He was definitely the family's pillar of strength during this tumultuous period.

Christmas was one week away...I needed to do some shopping. I was tired of the phone dictating my life. I made a decision to free myself of the phone obsession. I left my house and was gone the entire day. I had a wonderful time....I felt free....I felt alive. I had not realized how depressed I had become the past month. That day energized me. I made peace with myself. It was obvious to me at this time that L had decided to parent her baby. I said a prayer for her and wished her well. I was ready to move on.

I came home that day to a phone message...it was from L.

to be continued....

Footprints of a Family, our second adoption journey, part 7

this journey begins here

The following day I called our adoption agency and gave them L's information. Contact was made between them and L, paperwork was sent to her.....the process had begun!!! Our agency informed us that we would need to retain an agency in South Carolina also, due to their state laws. They were able to recommend one for us and we contacted them. Paperwork was flying between California and South Carolina. Everything was falling into place. Well, almost everything. Unfortunately the birthfather refused to sign any papers and was being difficult. We did not allow this to deter us....the process continued.

The baby was due the beginning of February..it was now August...it seemed like a lifetime away. We busied ourselves getting the room ready and gathering baby supplies. We redid the nursery. This turned into a complete labor of love. My mom and I stripped the old wallpaper off the walls. Dave and I painted the walls a cheery yellow color. My dear friend, who ended up becoming one of this baby's godmothers, and I painted the ceiling a soft sky blue. Our wonderful friend's twin daughters painted clouds on the ceiling. The room was lovingly completed by many hands....just like our children are lovingly raised by many hands. A true labor of love.

We were in constant communication with L. We spoke on the phone constantly and emailed pictures of each other. She really wanted us to fly to South Carolina and meet her in person. Unfortunately, this was not possible for numerous reasons. We did the next best thing...we sent her a video of us and our house. We filmed every aspect of our house, outside and inside. We filmed each other and our pets. It was a wonderful glimpse into our home. L loved it. She told me her favorite part of the video was at the end. Dave was filming me talking to L. I was sitting on the floor and Cassie was standing in front of me. Cassie started walking backwards and then sat in my lap without turning around. When L saw that, she saw the blind trust Cassie had in me to be there for her and to catch her. It was then she knew she wanted her baby to be in our family.

L was receiving regular prenatal care and had her first ultrasound.....she also started feeling pregnant and felt the baby move for the first time. She called me, very excited and I shared this wondrous news with her. Our phone conversations started taking a turn at this point. Fortunately, she was very honest with me...and I appreciated this and thanked her for it. She was vacillating in her decision. The baby was becoming a reality to her and she was not sure she could follow through with her adoption plan. My premonition was coming true.

By this time I had strong feelings for her. I really cared for her and her mother. We had established a relationship. I spoke to her mother as much as I spoke to her. Her mother was 100% committed to the adoption plan...L was not. I felt for her. She was making a momentous decision that would affect her entire life.

In November we were having a phone conversation that was very typical of our conversations at that time. L was vacillating in her decision. I finally said to her -

"You are about to make a decision that will affect you your entire life. I have no doubt in my mind that you will make an excellent mother and you have wonderful support from your family. If you choose to place your baby for adoption we will give him a wonderful home and promise to keep the adoption open and loving towards you. You and only you can make this decision. You need to make this on your own, without any distractions. I am a distraction. I will let you go now so you can make your decision. Whatever you decide will be right for you. Whatever you decide, please let me know. I love you L, good luck."

We hung up the phone and I cried....

to be continued...

Footprints of a Family, our second adoption journey, part 6

this journey begins here

My heart stopped. I was paralyzed momentarily.

"I am 8 weeks pregnant....please call me...."

I called her. Her name was L and she lived in South Carolina. The other side of the country....the opposite coast from us. We talked for quite awhile, maybe an hour? I can't recall...what I do recall was the comfort and ease we had with each other. We clicked instantly.

The birthfather was aware of L's plan and was supportive of her decision. She was not ready to parent her baby...the timing was not right in her life. Abortion was out of the question for her. She was adopted by her stepfather when she was very young. Adoption seemed to be a perfect choice for her. Her mother supported her decision.

She found our website from one of the adoption sites we linked to. She liked our letter and loved the fact that we had a daughter. I think she fell in love with Cassie. Ironically she wanted her baby to go to a family who already had a child. Cassie's birthmother wanted her baby to go to a family who did not have children. Every birthmother was different.

I referred L to our adoption agency to commence the paperwork process. She also agreed to email us a picture of her. We hung up the phone and I sat in shock for a few moments staring at Dave. I couldn't believe it....did we finally have a match?

I relayed all the details to Dave. This sounded very promising. L appeared to be sincere. I liked her, I did not detect any red flags. This process had taught me to listen to my intuition. The voice inside my heart and soul that told me right from wrong. The voice that screamed in my head with every other woman who had contacted us the past few months. That voice was subdued this night...this felt right except for one thing. This one thing was huge, it was momentous and I could not quiet my voice from saying it over and over in my head. I told Dave...

"She is only 8 weeks pregnant. She has not felt the baby move yet. It is not real to her. She will change her mind when it becomes real to her."

How right I was...

to be continued....

Footprints of a Family, our second adoption journey, part 5

begin this journey here




Have I mentioned that we are not patient people? The waiting was interminable!! But, we had a daughter to take of and lives to lead....while waiting.


I must admit that I spent countless hours on the computer during these months. After Cassie went to bed at night and during her naps I was perusing adoption sites, bulletin boards...searching for our next angel baby. I did engage in a few email chats with young women, but nothing panned out and I can't remember details anymore. At one point we looked into adopting from Guatemala, but quickly nixed that idea. The financial cost was too great, and we would have to be away from home for too long. It wasn't a good match for our family.


Back to the waiting. Our life was busy, our life was good. Our daughter kept us busy and our minds occupied, she was our saving grace during these months.


August rolled around and our annual camping trip was upon us. Every year we go camping with our best friends (family that you choose). I had to pry myself away from the computer and our voice mail. Off we went for a week of fun, dirt, smores, laughter, and good times. It was a wonderful week. I could almost forget my intense desire for another baby, almost.


Adopting a baby is akin to delving into the unknown. You know you will eventually bring home a new life. You don't know any of the details. When you are pregnant you are given a due date. You know that sometime around this date you will give birth. In adoption you are not given a "due date". You have absolutely no idea when your baby will arrive. You also don't know where he will be born, to whom he will be born to....no details, completely unknown. This is the aspect of adoption that is the hardest to accept, but you don't have a choice. Accept it you must if you want to proceed.


We wanted to proceed. We accepted it and continued on the journey. We tried our best to stay on the right path in our journey, to not get lost or confused during the curves and twists. We knew how our journey would end....we did not know the route it would take.


Our camping trip came to an end and homeward bound we were....dirty and happy. As soon as we got home and started the laundry I checked our email and found this -


"I am 8 weeks pregnant and want to place my baby up for adoption. Please call me.......L"


to be continued...

Footprints of a Family, our second adoption journey, Part 4

this series begins here

The initial process of this adoption was much easier. Because we adopted previously within 5 years, we only had to update our homestudy. This was a huge blessing...the homestudy process alone is very daunting, the update was much easier! We compiled another Dear Birthmother Letter which was very similar to our first one. We held to the same beliefs...Keep It Simple. A major difference this time was the use of the internet. We didn't even have a computer when Cassie was born and 3 years later we not only had a computer, we also created a webpage for our adoption search. Our webpage was essentially our Dear Birthmother Letter in a webpage format. We linked this to numerous adoption websites. Each website charged us a small fee and if I remember correctly, we linked to 3 or 4 sites.

We started this process in January of 1999. Cassie was 3 1/2 years old, she would turn 4 in May. She was in preschool and I was working 3 1/2 days a week. We had enough money saved up for the adoption process, we were ready to go. Let the ride begin!

By February/March our letters were complete and our website was created. Our agency was mailing out letters and our website was link to a few sites. We bypassed hiring an attorney. Our agency was able to perform all the necessary procedures so we could save on attorney fees. We were now in the "hurry up and wait" mode. Every day I checked our email, waiting for a response from a birthmother. Everyday I checked our voicemail waiting from a call from our agency.

On our website we had listed our email address as a contact. Prospective birthmothers would email us for the initial contact and I would respond with request for their phone number. After a phone conversation, if the match appeared to be promising, we would refer them to our agency. If they contacted the agency, then the process would begin.

Waiting....waiting.....never pray for patience, you just might be given the opportunity to practice it!!

Cassie's adoption was very quick....we were hoping to get that lucky again. At times I wished I could look into a crystal ball just to know how long it would take....that is all I wanted to know...how long did we have to wait...how long would we have to practice patience.

The initial email came in May. I promptly responded and followed up a phone call. This woman needed alot of financial support. Legally an adoptive couple can pay for any expenses related to the pregnancy. This can include medical fees, food, clothing, etc. We are not a wealthy family, we had our limits. She did not have insurance or a place to live. We could not afford this situation. We wished her well....it was very hard....the desire for a baby sometimes supercedes the reality of the situation. We had to always remember to think logically and not emotionally.

Waiting again.....practicing patience again.....

Our next email came from a woman who was staying with friends in Washington. She had always wanted "to live in the Bay Area" (in California) - this was our first red flag. We interpreted this as saying that she wanted to live with us or have us find her a place to live near us and of course we would pay all expenses. Then the second red flag appeared - "All I want from you after the baby is born is a plane ticket to South Africa." South Africa?? Why South Africa? "I have burned alot of bridges here and I don't know anyone in South Africa." I was speechless. We live in a fairly large country. What has she done is her lifetime? Again....we thanked her for her interest....wished her luck....and we walked away.

Waiting.....again.....

to be continued...

Footprints of a Family, our second adoption journey, part 3

part one, part two

Saying that I actually slept on the couch that night is a euphenism. What I actually did was think, cry, pray....I was a tortured soul that night. I knew with all my heart and soul that our family was not complete. I loved my little girl immensely and I longed for another child to love, another life to mold. I felt intense anger towards my husband, the distance I felt from him was palpable. We may have been in the same house, but we were miles apart.

The next morning my husband woke and went to work. Not a word was shared between us, neither a look nor a touch. It was very painful. My heart was breaking. Was this worth it? Was an unknown child worth the health and happiness of our marriage, our known child, and our family? I lay in our bed that morning after Dave went to work and did some soul searching.

Soon our daughter woke up and my day began. I was still a Mom to this wonderful little angel. I looked in her eyes that morning and knew the answers to my questions.....No....it was not worth it. Our little angel deserved a happy home, she deserved to live with two parents who adored her and each other. She deserved a complete family where love and laughter abounded. That complete family would be only three people and I was okay with that.

Mid morning our phone rang. It was my husband. I was thrilled to hear his voice and excited to tell him about my revelation. He asked me to please listen to him first.

"I am sorry", he said. "Before I went to work this morning I went to give Cassie a kiss goodbye. I stared at her for a moment and I realized how selfish I was being. I was letting my fear stand in the way of our family. I hate the adoption process, but we don't have a choice. Cassie deserves to have a sibling. I am willing to go through the process again and have our family grow."

Tears streamed down my face as I replied to him.

"I am sorry too. I have been very preoccupied with my wants and longings and have not been overly sensitive to yours. I too looked at our daughter this morning, and my wish for her is to grow up in a happy home. I wish this more than I long for another child. I will be happy as a family of three, I will be content."

At this time we both are weepy. We conquered our impasse, we came to a compromise. We met in the middle by understanding each other's needs. Our marriage grew stronger that day.

We talked about the situation. It is funny how once we understood each other's viewpoint and stance, we changed our own. In that understanding we were able to come to a decision together that we both agreed on. Without any cajoling, prodding, angry words, or sad tears....we both decided to adopt another child. We decided to open our hearts to another angel to love. We decided to give our precious daughter a sibling. We were a united front moving in unison towards one goal....creating a family of four.

We called our adoption agency and the rollercoaster ride began.....little did we know what we were in for....

to be continued

Footprints of a Family, our second adoption journey, part 2

part one

A compromise was impossible in this situation. We were at an impasse, another fork in the road, no middle ground.

My husband approached me one day with the brilliant idea of getting another dog. What a wonderful idea, he thinks. A wonderful distraction from the never ending pestering about another baby. Of course, his thought process is completely lost on me. I am eager for another life to love and nurture, albeit one of the four legged variety...it will do. And so, our Zack comes into our home. Our big black galoot...and my pestering is quieted temporarily.

Time passes, the novelty of our new four legged family member wanes a bit. My heart starts longing for a new two legged family member again. The cajoling begins again. The discussions, the tears, the longing, the pleas.

My husband approached me again with another wonderful idea. He would like to knock down the wall between our daughter's room and the nursery in order to make a larger room. His idea is to move us into the large room and move our daughter into our room. Sounds wonderful....but there is one problem....that would eliminate our nursery. Where would we put our next baby? Hmmm.....he can't fool me this time. I am getting smarter and wiser, more savvy to his ways.

"Sorry honey...that won't work....we need the nursery for our next baby. I am not giving up on this. Our daughter needs a sibling."

More talks, more tears, more heated debates, more frustrations for both of us.

During this time my mom was out of town and my dad was alone. I usually phoned him nightly to check up on him and to chat. One night I was unable to contact him. My anxiety heightened as the evening progressed. Finally I was convinced that something was wrong and I needed to run over to his house to check on him. I had a problem though. Cassie was asleep. Dave was not home. I couldn't leave the house. I phoned one of my brothers, explained to him my fears. He went over to Dad's house to check on him. Fortunately, he was fine. That night solidified my belief that Cassie needed a sibling. I did not want her to be alone. I wanted her to have a sibling she could call on for help and support. I did not want her to take of elderly parents by herself.

When Dave returned home that night, I explained all of this to him. He immediately went into his defensive mode, "shut down and don't talk about it". I was furious, more furious than I have ever been during this time.

I slept on the couch that night.

to be continued...

Footprints of a Family, our second adoption journey

Our beautiful baby daughter was now a beautiful toddler. She was 3 years old and we loved her more every day. Being a parent was the most difficult job we had ever done, but the most rewarding. I loved being a Mom...I felt complete...this was my calling. I reveled in the daily monotony of parenthood. I loved the routines, the smiles, the hugs, the kisses, the smells, and the love. I was ready to expand our family. I was ready to give our daughter a sibling.

Unfortunately, my husband was not as ready as I was. He loved being a Dad. Cassie was definitely a Daddy's girl in every way. She melted his heart just by looking at him. A better father you could not find. He did it all - baths, diaper changes, vomit clean up, long walks hand in hand, hugs, tickles, kisses, wrestling - a definite hands on Daddy. Every day I watched him with our daughter, my love for him grew.

I approached him one day and told him I wanted another baby. I wanted to give our daughter a sibling. I wanted to expand our family, I wanted to share our love with another special angel. He said no, he wasn't ready. I asked him why, he couldn't say. He wouldn't give me a reason. I don't think he knew how to put his feelings into words. Looking back, I could have been more patient with him.....at the time I was anything but.

I pestered, I cajoled, I cried, I sulked. I am not proud of my behavior.....but I was on a mission. My heart and soul wanted another baby to hold, to love, to treasure, to teach. I was not going to give up.

We prided ourselves on our marriage. Our marriage was strong, solid, and was made even more so during our struggles with infertility and our previous adoption. We had excellant communication skills and we were master compromisers.

Compromise? How can you compromise in this situation? It is impossible.....either we adopt again, or we raise an only child. Those were our only options....wait a minute...what if a miracle happens and we become pregnant?

This was the question I posed to my husband - "What if I become pregnant miraculously? How would you feel about that?"

"I would be ecstatic," he replied.

It then dawned on me...he did want another child....he did not want to go through the adoption process again.

When you adopt a child you have very little control on the situation. Yes, we did have some control, but not much. The adoptive couple places themselves at the mercy, if you will, of the birthmother. The birthmothers choose them to parent their child, the birthmother carries and nurtures the child throughout a pregnancy, the birthmother gives birth and chooses to place her child in the arms of the adoptive couple. At any time during this process she could change her mind, which is her right. Plans can change in an instant. The highs are very high and the lows are extremely low. We knew this, we lived this.

He did not want to go through this again. Unfortunately, this was our only option. We were at an impasse. We both desired a second child, only one of us was ready for rollercoaster ride we knew we would have to take for our desire to become a reality. We could not compromise on this....we either did or we didn't.

Tears, angry words, nights on the couch, tears, hugs, loving our daughter....which way would we go?

to be continued....